Tonight I feel hopeful

I'm not sure why. It was a difficult day. 

I had random crying during Sacrament meeting--not because of feeling the Spirit--it was purely PTSD based and had no rhyme nor reason. 

I had little time to prepare my lesson for my Primary class--but the heathens are a joy to teach--always interested and full of questions. And I think they love me. Today one asked me if I'd miss him when he leaves...in December...I said, yes.

More random PTSD tears after church.

Today I heard from someone I love dearly. The words he said were hurtful to me, although I'm certain that was not his intent. Interestingly, I would rather hear words that hurt, than endure the continuous silence from him that has been in place since mid-February. At least now, I understand my place, or lack of such, in his life.

But today I was able to communicate with another friend, something I've been trying to say for more than a year. Therapist told me I needed to figure out how to talk about this with him (and others) in March of 2008. I tried then, but failed to say what I needed to say. Today, perhaps because I don't want to end up with another inadvertently hurtful friendship, I figured out how to say the words. I said them--which doesn't mean I liked the experience--and Therapist was right, once again. He had told me that unless I talk to people I love about the issue and hear their responses, I'll spend my time hiding and wondering and wishing I had the guts to be honest. He also told me it doesn't matter if the friend response is negative or positive. The real issue is my ability to express my needs and my efforts to be emotionally honest. I think I understand what he was saying.

Speaking of Therapist--I have been feeling intensely angry with him. There's no reason for this, it just is. I'm still mad at him tonight, just not as much.

My mom starts chemotherapy next week. 

In spite of all the "stuff", for whatever reason, I'm finally feeling a return of the positive feelings. In all honesty, had I received my friend's communication a week ago I probably would have read it, deleted it, and forgotten about it. I was too tired to care about or deal with any emotions such an email would incite. Today I read it, cried a lot, and then took time to respond. I don't believe it will make any difference to him but it was necessary for me. I was honest. I told him how I feel. I told him I was hurt, I missed him, and I loved him. And I do. I don't believe, when love is real, that it goes away. And someday it won't hurt as much.

I spent the entire day with Darrin yesterday. We haven't done that for awhile. I needed it.

I ran this morning--it was awful. The wind was cold and very strong. I don't know why I insist on running in such conditions--but then I notice the incredible sky and the new wildflowers. It smells wonderful. It's worth the effort.

I find myself, for the first time in a few weeks, missing the random chatting I used to do with people. Therapist promised me that after I got some rest I'd find my desire to be with people I love returning. Tolkien Boy said the same thing. I think I believed them both, even when it seemed impossible. I'm glad they were correct.

I'm understanding that it's time for me to get to know myself for the first time--the real me--all of me. It's a daunting task and not one I'm looking forward to. It's also necessary. I will be using much of what was sent to me in emails and comments when I asked for help prior to integration. I'll probably be talking about it with agreeable people. At some point I may ask for help again. I will not, however, make the mistake again of putting people on the spot--not even people I love and trust. When I did that last time I learned things about myself I was not ready to know--and I put people I cared about in an awkward position. I won't do that again. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has the emotional resources nor the desire to respond when I need help. When I ask them directly for something they aren't ready to give, it makes everyone stressed. It's a very bad idea.

In that same spirit, though, I need to say thank you, once again, to those of you who found time to respond when I needed help a number of weeks ago. Some of the responses came from completely unexpected sources, and all said things I needed to hear--things I have since used as I reassembled myself. So--thank you. I hope you understand how much you have helped me.

And no--I'm not finding something new to work on, just finishing what I began. In truth, this was what I've been working toward for the past four years. Each new task was simply a step in this direction. It was time for me to become myself. Now it's time for me to figure out who that is, and to learn to care for and care about that person.