I don't believe I'm feeling self-pity. I'm just exhausted. And when I'm tired, PTSD is ugly. That's all.
Sometimes I don't go to bed because Darrin is already there. It's not that I don't want to be with him. It's that he snores. Loudly. Sometimes the snores get incorporated into my dreams which then turn into nightmares. Sometimes I can't even dream at all because the noise keeps me awake. Last night I went to the couch. But it was Friday night and people come and go most of the night. My sliding door borders the parking lot. So there was a lot of noise, talking, laughing, car lights... Around 3:00 a.m. I tried again to sleep in my bed. I had success after about an hour, but woke around 7:00 because of daylight.
Darrin has been sick. Cold medicine makes him sleep more heavily and snore more loudly. But I think a sick person probably needs more sleep than I do, so that's okay.
But it doesn't help me navigate what's happening right now. I've been trying to juggle work, which has become a little insane, and home buying, and very, very ill father-in-law on little sleep. It's hard. Also, I've been making less than wise decisions in all my relationships. That's stressful.
And the worst part of it is, I keep shutting down. I'll be feeling fine, but then, suddenly, my brain stops processing anything. Someone is talking to me, but I can't understand the words. I'm working, but I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm talking on the phone or chatting online, but I've lost the words that need to be spoken or sent. I feel like someone just dropped a wall between me and whomever I'm with or whatever I'm doing. I become nonfunctional.
That's stressful, too.
So I'm here. Tonight all the erroneous thinking began. That's all I have to say about that. It takes all my energy to negate the incorrect thoughts and emotions that don't make sense. Talking about it is not going to help tonight. I'm too tired.
So I'm going to go to bed. I'll read and wish for the snoring to cease. It won't. I'll try to sleep, get frustrated, and read again. I've thought about going to my car and sleeping there. I might try that tonight. We'll see.