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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Lots to think about tonight. I don't know that I'll have the words for the thoughts. Probably that doesn't matter.

There are many, many changes taking place soon, but nothing is concrete. Being in limbo is not the best state. Still, very little I can do about it.

I spent a five days in Washington with Josh and family-- wonderful days which took me away from some of the distractions of home and allowed me to see how I'm unraveling in ways I had not noticed. Those ways are not going to get better on their own.

I came home to a thunder and lightning snowstorm which knocked out power for about 30 hours. No electricity = no heat. It was a cold night.

And then my mom dislocated the hip that was replaced in November. I spent the day at the hospital with her. My dad was unable to cope with the emergency. I sent him home to light a fire in his stove and warm up his house.

And now I'm tired.

I canceled three days of private lessons so I could visit the Weeds. Then I canceled lessons and a class yesterday so I could be with my mom. Now I'm sort of behind. A lot behind.

Darrin's father is in crisis, as well. He keeps calling to ask questions he's asked hundreds of times before. Darrin is losing his mind. So we're going to see him Friday. More travel. More missed work. More behindness.

In the midst of all this, I've just decided I have to get help. Now. So I will. I'll see Therapist on Friday since he is sort of near Darrin's father. When you have to drive seven hours anyway, another two isn't that many. And I need this. The cost will be worth it in the end.

Also, I'm out of ideas. I don't know how to make myself better. Talking about what's happening sends me into major panic. Thinking about what it means makes my brain hurt.

Today the sun came out, finally, and dandelions bloomed as the snow melted. They are undaunted.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Dependency is not satisfiable.

I recently encountered this sentence in one of my transcription jobs. For whatever reason, it's running in a loop in my head. I keep thinking about what this might mean in different contexts. I keep wondering about those contexts in regards to myself.

Never become dependent. This has been the mantra of my life. Which doesn't mean I've always been able to adhere to it. There were a number of years when I was extremely dependent on Darrin. He insists it wasn't unhealthy, and that it was perfectly understandable, given that he was the first person I allowed myself to trust. At that point, I had to experience all the emotions that accompany vulnerability and trust. Because those feelings had been stopped for so long, it stands to reason that I would feel unable to function normally without frequent contact - physical, social, and emotional - with the person in whom I had chosen to invest.

However, that experience did not pave the way for future relationships based on trust and love. I simply put all my eggs in one basket. Darrin was the one I trusted. The end.

Eventually, I broke the dependency bond and learned more healthy ways to interact with my husband, and I recognized that in spite of myself, I had been far too reliant on him. And my mantra became even stronger. Never become dependent.

Dependency is not satisfiable. No matter how much time and love and touch is given, dependency demands more. And more. It consumes. Never become dependent.

And so my subsequent interactions with people I love have been militantly monitored. Never become dependent. No doubt, part of this is because of my ingrained belief that at any moment, someone might need to let me go so that more important things can take my place. I've sometimes asked (especially in moments when PTSD makes me feel incredibly lonely and crazy), "Please stay." But the plea is meant to be temporary. Always, people have to leave when they have to leave. I just don't want it to happen when I'm battling symptoms that feel overwhelming.

Does that make me dependent? Am I never satisfied? Do I demand or consume?

I don't know. I might. I've always made certain that anything I give emotionally, physically, or materially, is given without strings. No one should feel bound to me for any reason. Never become dependent.

Sigh... this interaction thing is really complicated. And Tolkien Boy told me a long time ago that no real relationship can exist without some degree of mutual dependence, which is different from codependency which is what he believes I am talking about when I say "dependent". And maybe he's right. But I don't depend on my children. I suppose I rely on Darrin to be my sexual partner and my lifelong friend. But there is always a degree of separation that says if he was no longer there for some reason, I would survive. I think I feel the same way about everyone in my life.

I'm not sure if that's okay or not. I would definitely rather spend the rest of my with the people I love. I'm just certain that if that was not possible, I would recover from the loss. Honestly, I think Tolkien Boy feels the same way, in spite of what he says. I think everyone feels that way unless they're under the age of 20. I think I recognized that feeling in myself when I was nine. Since that time, I'm always a little bit confused about relationships with longevity. Maybe everyone feels that way, too.