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Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Four years ago my thoughts were clear and logical. I was rarely at a loss for words. The thought of being confused by life was incomprehensible.

Four years ago I was slightly egotistical, confident, and brash.

Four years ago I never cried, emotions were an irritation, and laughing was my response to nearly every situation.

Four years ago I lived in denial, I was emotionally dependent on my husband, and I had no one outside of him who truly knew who I was.

I have spoken with four therapists in four years. Each of them has told me I needed to learn to feel my emotions, to give them space, to honor them.

I didn't understand why. I didn't want to. I didn't feel happy about trying--but I did try, because I trusted them. Well...I trusted Therapist. He said the other three were correct and this was something I needed to do.

And now...

Logical thought often escapes me. It sometimes takes me weeks to figure out the words to ask a question. I rarely understand what is happening in my life.

I probably still act confident, but I'm not. I worry that I'll make mistakes when I'm working on things at which I'm skilled, even expert. I second guess myself all the time--especially in relationships/friendships. There was a time when I would talk to anyone, and if that didn't meet with their approval I talked more, certain that in time they would fall in love with me. Now, even with those who assure me they already love me, I worry I'm intruding, interrupting, unwanted.

I cry often. Sometimes I don't even know why. I find it frustrating and aggravating. My impulse is to head for the nearest cave when it happens, but what I really want is to be held, which aggravates me further because I detest weakness in myself. I still laugh more often than I cry, but I would really like the tears to take a vacation. I let myself feel the emotions, because Therapist said I must, and then I wonder what that was supposed to accomplish. I feel so much worse, sometimes for days.

I'm no longer in denial--but acceptance and acknowledgement has not made me happy. I'm not emotionally dependent on anyone--but I don't really know who I am on my own. There are many who have seen me as I truly am--which has made me feel defensive and inadequate. I have not found peace in authenticity. Instead, I have found vulnerability, and I have no idea what to do next.

Therapist said allowing all this emotional crap would help me. I trusted him. I did everything he told me to do, and I did it thoroughly.

Is this it? Is this the end result? I sort of feel that I invested all I had, and ended up with a mess I can't clean up.

And at the heart of it all, I wonder if Therapist had no idea what he was talking about. I wonder if he just spouted rhetoric at me, and I bought into it. I wonder why I trusted him; why I believed him.

I don't know if I believe him anymore, and I'm pretty sure I don't trust him, either.


  1. Read THIS comment if you just want validation: Life definitely can suck. Hang in there. *hug*

    Read THIS comment if you want logical, hope-promoting comments: Emotions ARE unsettling to those of us who have suppressed strong ones for a long time. But in time you will learn how to deal with those emotions and integrate them into your life without feeling powerless. This is part of the healing process; be patient with yourself and give yourself permission to feel crappy and vulnerable for a while.

  2. I agree with EvolvingLesbian. Emotions are hard when you aren't used to them or used to managing them well. Please do give yourself time and space to get where you want to be with them. I LOVE reading your blog and the work you have been doing. I'm a therapist as well and it excites me to see the changes you have made over the years. Just this week, I had a client want to terminate because things weren't moving fast enough for her, she wasn't "fixed" fast enough. It was difficult not to say NO, you can not leave, we were just getting to the good stuff. I do agree, it feels like your therapist had you work toward having your emotions and being present with people and has left you hanging. There is more than that. Like you said, you are at a point where you have changed into a new you that has emotions, knows she wants to be connected to people in a good way and doesn't know much else about herself. This is a good time to do self-identity work which it sounds like your therapist may not be doing with you. Not that you know me, trust me or anything but some things I would do with a client in your position would be to ask, "Who tells you who you are?" Is that God, your husband, yourself, society, your mother, your rapist? If you want it to be God and it isn't, what are some things you can do to develop a closer relationship with Him so that He gets to tell you who you are? If it is God, what does He tell you about who you are and what are you doing each day to live that? Your foundation for so many years has been avoiding emotional hurt and pain in any shape or form. Now that you can "do" pain and emotions, what is your foundation? What do you believe to be true about yourself and your life? Positive and uplifting things about yourself. You've done a lot of good work on acknowledging the negative experiences that have happened to you and allowed yourself to fully experience them and have begun to experience yourself in a positive way. Continue to experience yourself in a positive way and how others experience you in that way. Again, your work has been amazing and it so great to see it. So many times as therapists we don't really get to "see" the work being done. Thanks for putting yourself out there for others to be part of your journey and to learn from.