While speaking with my newest virtual comrade, our conversation strayed, naturally, to personal questions, because that's what new friends talk about. This is normal. Most people like it.
Four years ago, I did not enjoy questions. I was busy dodging, hiding, phrasing my answers in ways that would reveal nothing, if possible. This changed after a couple of years. Suddenly I craved questions; I wanted to know people were involved in my life. I wanted someone to care about me and the things I'd experienced. I wanted the give and take of a balanced relationship. For awhile I fought for this, attempted to foster an environment where I could ask questions and allow myself to answer them honestly, and believed desperately in friendships which always felt alive.
And then I got old and tired.
I found myself returning to my old habits with New Virtual Friend. I had an opportunity to foster closeness and enjoy that "balanced relationship" I had once sought as I heard stories of his life, aspirations, favorite movies and books and colors and hobbies and... Instead, as he asked me innocent getting-to-know-you questions, I found myself thinking, "Please, let's not muddy the waters with who I am. Let's just talk about playing Scrabble, or reading poetry, or the weather. Let's enjoy who we are today and not worry about who I was a million years ago. Let's pretend I don't have PTSD, that I grew up in a family who nurtured and adored me, and I can't imagine rape or betrayal because I've never experienced it. Let's imagine I'm going to be trusting and emotionally healthy, and I'll never be afraid of you. Don't delve. Believe your first impression is absolutely correct. I'm certain that in the end--because there will be one--we'll both be much happier."
To my relief, New Virtual Friend seemed to read my thoughts. He allowed my light, fun answers and believed them with all his heart. To my surprise, I found myself believing them, as well. For about an hour I was funny, and carefree, and amazing.
And I don't care if it was honest or misleading. I don't care if two months down the road he wonders why I dodged, and perhaps continue to dodge, all his questions. I don't care if he never knows the real Samantha. I don't care!
Yes. I just stomped my foot.
Because sometimes I really am funny and carefree and amazing, and I like being that person. I think there are plenty of people who know the REAL me--the one who can't make it through one day without wondering which person close to her will betray her--the one who sometimes has flashbacks and nightmares--the one who might never experience a relaxed, beautiful friendship because she seems to lack the ability to do so--the one who goes through each day swallowing the knot in her throat and performing the simple social tasks others do effortlessly--the workaholic--stubborn, argumentative, delusional, exhausted, used up, old...
Dear New Virtual Friend,
This is what I would like you to know about me--believe about me--forever:
1. I have an amazing sense of humor.
2. I notice the beautiful things.
3. I believe the best about people and encourage them to succeed.
4. I love to read, research, learn.
5. I am madly in love with words, flowers, bugs, snakes, frogs, chocolate, and God.
6. Sometimes I walk barefoot in the grass.
7. When I run, there are times when I'm certain I can fly.
8. I adore wearing high heels.
9. I like to dance.
10. Someday, if we're alone and I'm feeling a great deal of love for you, I'll sing you my favorite song.
And you can believe those things because they're all true, and actually, they're the only things that are important. Everything else is just clutter.
Love,
Sam
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