Today I saw a butterfly. It's been so long since I've run on the ridge above my house that I almost forgot it was time for them to arrive. This particular butterfly nearly collided with my car while fluttering across the street as I drove home from my first rehearsal this morning. I think tonight, when the afternoon wind dies, I will wander up to the ridge and see if more butterflies have come. I'm guessing the wildflowers are blooming.
A friend stopped by for a visit yesterday. I wasn't expecting her and it made my work night later than I wished. I was very tired--chatting with every person I could find online to keep me awake. I still didn't quite finish my hours, but I was close enough to rationalize stopping and heading for bed. My friend mentioned that the birds seem louder than normal this year. I don't think they're any louder, there is just a larger variety. The birdsong is incredibly beautiful as the different calls mix together. I can hear it through my closed windows. There are moments when I stop my work just so I can listen.
As my world seems to thin and sway, the one constant is my intense love of my surroundings. I might never figure out who I am, but I don't believe I'll ever tire of watching the shifting blue of the sky--the branches of my crab apple tree currently covered with feathery blossoms that will turn from white to green to deep red as the blossoms become fruit--the stillness of the rabbits on my lawn as they pretend I cannot see them if they don't move--the gold of the spent sun as it sinks below the horizon--and the birds provide a constant soundtrack to all I see.
I don't know what to do with people anymore. I smile at someone and have my smile returned...and I wonder what that means. Why did they smile at me? Is it a reflex? Do I look as if I need a smile today? Perhaps they were smiling at the person behind me...
Darrin says I don't talk anymore. He could be right. I don't really have anything to say outside of this blog. I feel that all I can talk about right now is the confusion I feel constantly, the agony of trying to figure out how to function normally, and the weather. I give myself an "A" in weather.
I think I am going to go buy myself flowers tonight. Life feels better when I have flowers.