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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." ~Brendan Gill

I suppose it's fair to say that I haven't written for awhile because I've been experiencing some things I would rather not. It's also fair to say that some of those things are just BAD, but others, while they might not feel great, are probably important.


1. I had my second set of injections in my iliopsoas tendon (Who knew I had such a thing? And good luck pronouncing it or using it in common conversation with a non-medical person). There was some relief but nothing like what was hoped. Then I started physical therapy--the thing my surgeon was thrilled to have me choose, but also warned me that most people opt for surgery over the PT because it HURTS. He wasn't kidding. Not only that, but after a few weeks I noticed no improvement and marked UN-improvement. I sort of lost the ability to walk more than a few feet and sleeping at night was not happening.

2. I had a tooth crack down into the root. And then it got infected. So I had a face and a half. And a very, very large half of neck. And a fever. And enormous pain. So my dentist gave me antibiotics and took and x-ray and said, "We'll take that tooth out when the infection's gone (which will be in a month), and then we'll do a bone graft (bone graft?) from a cadaver (CADAVER???), and then we'll wait a few months for that to grow into your jaw. Then we'll give you an implant (Does this mean I'll be without a tooth until then? Yes. Yes, it does. So I can grow dead person bone into my jaw)." I'm a lot horrified, in case you cant tell.      

3. I've been struggling with maintaining the integration I worked on so intensely for more than a year. The impulses that drive dissociation keep popping up. They cause me confusion, aggravation, and stress--but mostly I'm embarrassed by them because it seems I've been pretending, post-integration, that the dissociation didn't exist--that this is not a part of my life--that I'm "normal" in the sense that I never used that particular coping device. Apparently, denial triggers unwelcome dissociative symptoms. And please don't even ask me to explain because I don't think I can and it makes me feel even more embarrassed, uncomfortable, and freakish. Therapist gave me some homework designed to help me work through this and promised to call me if he doesn't hear from me in the next five years. Awesome.


1. I have hyper-mobile joints. There are advantages to this; for instance, those glucosamine and chondroitin supplements that people ingest to keep their joints healthy and lubricated--mine produce that in abundance and keep me from having things like arthritis and joint pain. And I'm freaky flexible even when I'm injured. It seems, however, that this lovely condition of mine is what has been causing my tendonitis--not the repetitive motion exercises (like running and walking) which are the usual culprits. My savvy physical therapist was the person who figured out the mystery and this is why I've not been responding to the PT we've been working on. And it also means that my hip has been out of place for an unknown period of time (because that lovely flexibility allows my stable joints--like my right hip--to become unstable under unusual circumstances--like falling down an large hill and having to have surgery) and today's activity of putting it back into place was more pain than I wish to think about ever again. However, now I have a different regime which includes elliptical training (which makes me happy) and intense weight lifting and other highly uncomfortable and obnoxious exercises (which do not make me happy and some of which I still haven't done today) designed to stabilize the hip and allow me to run again. Yay!

2. My dentist was nice and prescribed a very large amount of sedative/pain pills for me to take at night for the next month so I'll be able to sleep until the tooth is removed and the bone replaced, at which point he'll prescribe a stronger pain killer because apparently this is really going to hurt. Yay!

3. I started the integration maintenance homework and hated every part of it. But I'm blessed with a few friends who don't think I'm a freak and who allowed me to talk about it. They also reassured me that they like me no matter what. I believe Tolkien Boy's words were, "Well, whoever you turn out to be, I like you very much." That's nice to know. I'll probably ask him to say it again. Fortunately, neither of us seems to be annoyed by repetition which is why our conversation has lasted nearly seven years. And Brozy sent me chocolate. All kinds of chocolate. Some was very nice, some was interesting but sort of weird, and one kind was just terrifying. Who thinks of Beef Jerky Chocolate? Who? However, she assures me that chocolate is the best fix for tooth ache and I must admit that even the Beef Jerky Chocolate sounds better than a cadaver bone graft. Yay!

So things are going. Don't ask me if that's good or bad. I don't know the answer.

1 comment:

  1. Each of these sounds so, so very painful. And there are a lot of them. I am glad that you will have lots and lots of painkillers. I'll keep my fingers crossed that these don't cause any obnoxious problems for you. Something has to cooperate here, it may as well we the painkillers.

    Also, no one should have to have cadaver grafts. Ick.

    [hugs]I really, really hope you feel better soon.