I hesitate to write this post--especially after the things I said less than a month ago in this post.
However, it's important to me that I am honest, and in my blog is where I put the uncomfortable truths that many people (including myself) do not wish to hear me speak. So I am writing this with the caveat that at any time I might rescind the words.
I know why relationships wax/wane/disappear.
I don't have a lot to say about this, except it doesn't make me want to scream anymore. I think the most important thing is that I'm okay with the system and it's all right if people maintain shoestring relationships, meet intermittently, and feel happy about their interaction. People weren't meant to be integral parts of the lives of lots of people. Children grow up and leave, friends find other friends, sometimes married people choose to divorce and marry other people. That's just life.
I think I believed there was something about people not staying that said something about me--I wasn't good enough, or entertaining enough, or loving enough, or maybe, just not enough at all. It doesn't, though. The process of moving through people doesn't really say anything about me at all, except that maybe I'm human, too.
There are still people I want to have in my life. I would choose them daily. But I'm no longer terrified that I'll watch them move away from me and wonder why. And if they do, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay with letting them decide how frequently they contact me.
My stress about this came, I believe, because I allowed myself to have close relationships with people other than Darrin. I had never done that before. I told people things about me; I shared my loves and peeves and joys and sorrows. And then I became afraid that I had shared a part of me that would be discarded or mocked, or that I assumed someone would care when really they were just mildly curious. Yes, this is a reflection of my childhood.
But I think what has happened is that I'm recognizing that what I have to give has value, if only to me. It's up to the recipient what happens next. And if what I've given is disregarded or belittled, that's not my problem. I chose unwisely and I can learn from my mistakes.
I think there are lots of people who love other people in varying degrees. Their interest in those people has longevity based on the depth and reciprocation of that love. People are complicated. Lives can be complicated. Sometimes things like stress, or family problems, or physical/mental illness cause rifts that can't be bridged. It's a loss we mourn and then move forward. It seems to be the only healthy way to interact with people because no one wants to stay in a relationship because they feel threatened or compelled to do so. They want to be there because the person makes their lives feel better in many different ways.
That's all, I guess. I understand. Finally.
But just so you know, I still don't like it. I also understand that because of my nature and background, it's probable that I will always be the one who watches the other person walk away. That's not a fun realization. But it's reality. I can live with reality.