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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

One is the Loneliest Number

Yesterday was the four-week mark since my surgery. I am miles behind at work. I have another four weeks before the final tax deadline, and last Saturday marked the corporate one. I told my clients I would not be at my best and I might have to file extensions for them. Saturday I filed two. I'm sort of terrified I'll be filing more next month. I don't know why my clients came to me when I gave them referrals--knowing I might be late. I had hoped to be able to do lots of work this week, but physical therapy took a turn for the worse when we began working the muscles surrounding the place where the titanium post was pounded into my thigh bone. I could barely walk for a day and I'm still sore today.

Then I got the stomach flu. Insult to injury?

Today I'm feeling slightly more human. I'll go to work in a little while. I'm supposed to go to the gym and ride the stationary bike and do my PT exercises (which I have not done since my last session--and given the stomach flu and pain level, I'm not sure I could). I'm pondering if that's going to happen or not. Right now, tax clients seem more pressing.

I had lunch with a friend on Saturday. She's my age. Our oldest children are near the same ages, but she has two more that are younger than mine. One of those younger ones is a baby she had five months ago. He's very cute. My friend and I talked about our lives. I kept looking at that baby. He makes me feel exhausted. Tabitha pointed out that it's probably because I'm already exhausted. I think it's because parenting is not something that was easy for me. I love my kids. I think they're amazing. But I don't want any more. I don't know how my friend does it.

In my last post I talked about how I feel my siblings avoid me. So I called them. I asked why they don't try to visit--why they rarely contact me. I was told that they feel I have no interest in them. I've spent the past four years going back and forth to Utah, where most of them live, and not telling them I was there, not visiting with them. I've stayed with friends instead. I tried to explain; what I was going through personally, felt too difficult to talk about--and they wanted to talk about it. Tabitha's issues involved abuse by one of my brothers--and my other siblings met me with disbelief and attempted to tell me why Tabitha was lying. But the bottom line is that, regardless of what is true, Tabitha believes she was molested by my brother and I have to support my daughter. Talking about it with my siblings solves nothing. I don't want to do it.

But my siblings are correct about my avoidance issues when it came to visiting them. And I can't really blame them for thinking I didn't want to see them when they came to visit my parents, either. I don't really know how to change the status quo. I just told them I was sorry--that sometimes things happen and I didn't expect understanding, but I hoped we could try again. I received a lukewarm response, which is more than I expected.

Loneliness is odd. I feel it keenly today. It really has nothing to do with being loved or spending time with others. I think it's more about knowing how you fit in the world. Right now, in this moment, I'm not sure how I fit anywhere. I think when I'm lonely, the greatest help to me is the reassurance that, even if I can't feel it, I have a place in someone's life or heart, that I'm needed and wanted, and that this moment of feeling lonely won't last forever.

And then I go do something.

So right now I'm going to go to work. And then I'll do my prescribed physical therapy and get stronger. And I think I'll eat a cookie, too.

And you should watch this video of old guys singing with a live orchestra--no auto-tuning here, and these guys were popular long before I was around:

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