Sometimes I want to scribble on a blog post.
There are drawbacks to not writing with a pen or pencil.
By the time I import the picture of a scribble, I don't want to do it anymore.
My brain feels tired.
This week I stopped trying to find people when I have panic attacks. I know Therapist says I need to talk to people because it keeps me from going into isolation mode, but:
1. People are busy and when you're panicking and trying to do what Therapist said and no one is answering, the panic gets worse.
2. I'm done feeling like people have to take care of me when I have something so stupid. A panic attack will not hurt me. It's uncomfortable. I don't like it. But I don't need a baby sitter while it's happening.
3. I'm tired of the feeling that the only reason I have relationships is so the other person can bail me out when my life gets stupid. I want real conversations and quality time together. That doesn't happen. I am not a liability--but I feel like one. I'm pretty certain that every time I appear in someone's chat box, the first thought that crosses their mind is, "I wonder what she wants now."
4. I'm actually very capable of handling the problem myself. And it's time. When I was emotionally depleted, caring for a suicidal daughter, or coping with a large amount of physical pain, I think it was wise of Therapist to assign me to have people to call. I did need help then. And maybe it's okay for me to be a liability sometimes. I know if the people in my life had stretches of time when I was needed mostly for support, I wouldn't mind. But I don't need to be the dependent person anymore.
But I suppose the biggest reason is that I don't think talking to people is solving anything. It just makes me feel vulnerable because then they know I panic about everyday, normal things like crowds, and being alone, and not being able to run yet, and construction sites, and my mother (except my mother isn't normal, so maybe it's okay to panic about her). And being vulnerable might be good and wonderful and terrific, but I think I've done it enough for awhile.
So I've been practicing instead. At this point I have memorized two Scarlatti sonatas, the first movement of a Mozart sonata, and two movements of Debussy's Reflets dans l'eau. That's about 30 minutes of music. So I have something to show for my panic. I think that's a good thing.