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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Putting myself in time-out

Because sometimes when I'm unable to manage PTSD (not even close to "managing" right now), I think about weird things, and imagine weirder ones. And, of course, all of those things involve how I feel about people in my life and are completely irrational. That does not mean I don't feel those things deeply and seriously. It does mean that I feel completely crazy pretty much all the time.

I felt this coming on a month ago. I had hoped that getting away with friends and family would help, and it sort of did. For about a week. I've not had time to follow my routine that helps me keep my insane feelings in check. My schedule has been unpredictable and too busy for someone like me. I have been known to fill my schedule with things, so as to avoid any time that would allow me to brood or sulk or think too much. But those are things I choose myself. The things that make me busy right now are not of my choosing, which adds to the sense of losing control and leads to thoughts about people which make no sense, but feel completely logical.

So I need a time-out. Having an online presence exacerbates the intensity and frequency of the feelings. That will be gone for awhile. I need my communication to happen in person so that I can better understand nuance and not misinterpret intent or assume incorrect things about the person speaking. Email is also a good venue. It allows me time to think while I read and offers me an opportunity to sort through the crappy thoughts that insist on being in my head. Before I reply, I can at least acknowledge that I'm insane. Phone is also an option. Hearing a voice behind the words helps me. No one likes to talk on the phone anymore. I get that. But since I usually don't expect communication from anyone, that's not relevant. And quite honestly, at this point I would rather not communicate at all than become a victim of myself.

I've stocked up on books. Today I started running again. I have work enough to do. I'll probably blog a bit because shouting at the cosmos seems to appeal to me. I'm guessing this will be a short time-out of just a few months. I'm thinking I'll let myself leave it next spring.

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