I know. I need to talk to Therapist. But I want to wait until I can talk like a person. It's sort of ridiculous to go to someone for help if you can't tell them what's wrong.
There's something wrong inside of me. What has happened to my cousin-- being ostracized, ignored, even shunned-- this has happened because of his choice to harm and prey upon those smaller and unprotected. He raped me. He raped Jeff. He stalked my little sisters and tried to groom Jeff to join him as I was raped at night. We're not talking about someone who just made an unfortunate choice. David's acts were premeditated and ruthless. Not once did he think about the ways he was destroying his victim.
And I can't stop being sad that he's alone. He's a middle aged man no one wants. He came to the funeral without his wife. I don't even know if he's still married to her. David's sons want nothing to do with him. He has no access to his new granddaughter. My parents and siblings, Jeff's parents and siblings-- no one would even look at David or acknowledge his presence. These people are his family.
I know. He is reaping the reward of his actions. I know.
And still I feel sad that he is alone.
I'm messed up.