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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Lots to think about tonight. I don't know that I'll have the words for the thoughts. Probably that doesn't matter.

There are many, many changes taking place soon, but nothing is concrete. Being in limbo is not the best state. Still, very little I can do about it.

I spent a five days in Washington with Josh and family-- wonderful days which took me away from some of the distractions of home and allowed me to see how I'm unraveling in ways I had not noticed. Those ways are not going to get better on their own.

I came home to a thunder and lightning snowstorm which knocked out power for about 30 hours. No electricity = no heat. It was a cold night.

And then my mom dislocated the hip that was replaced in November. I spent the day at the hospital with her. My dad was unable to cope with the emergency. I sent him home to light a fire in his stove and warm up his house.

And now I'm tired.

I canceled three days of private lessons so I could visit the Weeds. Then I canceled lessons and a class yesterday so I could be with my mom. Now I'm sort of behind. A lot behind.

Darrin's father is in crisis, as well. He keeps calling to ask questions he's asked hundreds of times before. Darrin is losing his mind. So we're going to see him Friday. More travel. More missed work. More behindness.

In the midst of all this, I've just decided I have to get help. Now. So I will. I'll see Therapist on Friday since he is sort of near Darrin's father. When you have to drive seven hours anyway, another two isn't that many. And I need this. The cost will be worth it in the end.

Also, I'm out of ideas. I don't know how to make myself better. Talking about what's happening sends me into major panic. Thinking about what it means makes my brain hurt.

Today the sun came out, finally, and dandelions bloomed as the snow melted. They are undaunted.

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