Ranting

I've been doing intense research for about seventeen hours now. I took a break to sleep, drive my daughter's carpool, and go running from about 2:00 a.m. till 8:30 this morning. There are so many things I'm learning that I don't want to know. So many things that have significance, that I actually have done and never understood why. Now I understand, but it brings more anger than relief.

Why must I continue to live with the things that were done to me? I have physical trauma, intense loneliness, feelings of worthlessness, self-numbing, self-harm habits, fear of men, fear of sexual relationships...when will it be enough?

Now, as I examine the emotional ramifications of the "mental illness" I'm studying, it seems that there's no end to the damage one person can inflict on another. That hardly seems fair. Please don't tell me that nothing in life is fair. Tonight, I just don't want to hear it.

I took the first steps in the assignments I received at discharge. I contacted those who bore the brunt of my relationship sabotage tactics. I apologized. We discussed ways to strengthen the parts of our relationships that my actions had weakened. I was humbled to have to rely on their ability to forgive and to love me in spite of me. I promised I'd try to never let that happen again. We made a plan to continue better than ever. I don't know what they felt. I felt miserable that I had lost control, been manipulative and paranoid. I felt vulnerable and completely at their mercy. I don't like that.

Stop the cycle. Watch for signs of stress. Use healthy coping techniques.

Exposure therapy, one of the treatments used for people who have PTSD scares the crap out of me.

Exposure therapy is a form of behavior therapy that deliberately exposes you to the very thing that you find upsetting or disturbing. It's especially useful for people with obsessive-compulsive disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder. Under controlled circumstances, exposure to the event or things that trigger your obsessive thoughts or traumatic reactions can help you learn to cope with them effectively.

Somehow, this just doesn't seem to be something that I'll find helpful.