My counselor instructed me to journal about my experiences as I allow myself to feel emotions. She told me to be explicit--to talk about the things I think about, the connections I make, the feelings and resulting responses. So I am doing that--but not here. In that journal, I will discuss things that can be uncomfortable, things that not everyone will want to read. I want to keep these things separate from this blog. I want them to be in a place all their own so that only those who wish to will encounter them. If you are one of those, I have placed a link on my sidebar (compulsive whining) which will take you to my journal.
This is an interesting step for me. Normally I would place these things in a super-secret blog and allow no one to read it. My counselor suggested that I might feel better if I stopped hiding the things that embarrass me or make me uncomfortable. She said that, regardless of whether people respond or not, and regardless of whether such response was positive or negative, I would feel that I have shown myself as I am, and that I would worry no more about presenting myself as people expect me--while at the same time being afraid that they might discover who I really am and reject me.
So, I'm taking her advice. We'll see what happens next.
I'm really impressed that you have the courage to write that blog. I've read a few of those entries now and I admire your ability to share things of that magnitude with that amount of honesty. You're not apologizing or asking for pity or even villainizing the people who've wronged you. That seems rare for that kind of a story.
ReplyDeleteIt's helped me realize how stupid it is that everyone has to hide things like that which have happened to them. Nobody talks about those things, but why? Because they feel guilty about what happened to them? Possibly. Obviously some experiences are too painful to share or are too intimate to share with more than a few people. I think part of it is that it's just "not talked about." But, it's a part of who people are. Those experiences, gruesome though some of them are, are as much a part of you as the bad things I've been through (which aren't as bad—I don't mean to imply that I "know what you're feeling") are part of me.
Maybe it won't change the world, but it's helped me to feel like I don't have to be ashamed of things that have happened and, in the right company, of course, as with anything else, maybe I can just talk about things that have happened in my life without feeling like people are going to pity me, feel shame on my behalf, or be generally embarrassed and uncomfortable. And I think it will help me be a better friend to people who may just want to talk about things that people attach any number of stigmas to sometimes.
Sorry if that's not what you meant or if this comes across as vapid and shallow. Or even just too wordy. I have a tendency to do that. Mostly I just wanted to say I appreciate your blog and thanks for writing it.