A time to weep, a time to laugh...

I will be honest; there are parts of my life that I don't believe I will ever understand. There are times I want to kick and scream and tell everyone I know how very unfair I think it is. There are times when I just want to be held while I sob out all the misery left behind.

But there are also parts of my life that are incredibly beautiful. As I was running this morning, I realized how much I love that part of my day. The world is dazzlingly bright, and the smell of fresh air and grass just make me feel happy. My body feels free and fit--I feel as if I belong to the earth. I hear the morning birdsong, see the blue of the sky, feel the breeze as I run...it's an incredible feeling.

I have been blessed by the people in my life. I know this. I am plagued by the fear that one of them will leave--and realistically, this will probably happen. But I also realized today that nothing can take from me the amazing moments I've spent with them. Those belong to me, even if the people do not. Spending those moments in fear rather than celebration is a waste of very precious time.

I have been blessed with a joyful, loving heart. If you've spent time with me, I'm probably in love with you. That's just how it works. The list of people I'm in love with is rather long...and the more time you spend with me, the more deeply I fall in love with you, especially if you love me back. It makes me happy to love you.

There are so many things I love to do. My life is full. I have complained endlessly about the hurts in my life, and I'll probably continue to do so, since this is my blog. But a year ago I met someone who spends his life giving motivational seminars to large groups of people. He has a weekly email which I receive, and it always has some upbeat, obvious, happy message which I read and delete. But this week, in spite of the obviousness, I needed to hear what he had to say.

If a man is indeed
the sum of his memories,
then removing or changing an experience
would change the man.

I like me;
I may not like the things
that happen to me,
but if I changed them
I wouldn't be who I am today
or who I WILL be tomorrow.

Never regret;
you may look back and think
things could have been better
but you may just turn that weakness
into the strength needed
to be where you are today.
-Peter Davidson

Stuff happens.

Some of the stuff that happens in life is fun and some of it can be, well, not so much fun. We rarely get to choose what happens to us, but we always get to choose how we respond to what happens to us. Sometimes running away may be the right thing to do, but hopefully we eventually grow into wiser beings when we take the time and energy to sift through our experiences (aka our STUFF) and learn from them.

So, take a look at your recent or long ago stuff and decide: is it time to RUN or is it time to LEARN?

I've spent the past four months poised to run. I've tried to push away people who love me. I've tried to bury myself in work. I've tried to isolate myself. It isn't making me feel better, of course. It never does. The problem is that LEARNING usually hurts, and I'm becoming less resilient as I keep encountering painful things. But honestly, it can't hurt more than trying to separate myself from the people I love deeply. It can't hurt more than remaining stagnant, or repeating stupid mistakes. It's time for me to LEARN not RUN.

So if you're someone I've tried to push away, but maybe you still love me, will you help me? Because I'm going to need it. I'm pretty tired, and LEARNING might be hard for me. And I haven't been grateful or helpful or nice in the recent past, so I don't really deserve it. But I'm asking anyway. Will you help me? Please, will you keep loving me? I don't think I can do this alone.