New Friendship Mantra (subject to change when I'm feeling less fierce about it)

I thought that I would write no more about my agony over relationships. That's what I get for thinking.

In the past...

I assumed everyone in the world would like to be my friend, and naturally, they would love me. I've spent many years observing people, watching what attracts them, learning to negotiate conversations and preferences. I've learned the fine art of listening, asking leading questions, making appropriate eye contact. I know when to be assertive and when to withdraw.

It's not manipulation. It's survival.

Because inside I'm well-aware that people would be extremely uncomfortable with the little girl who was raped repeatedly, abused by her mother, attracted to other women...

I know that if I tell you that I work thousands of hours, that I'm a musician, a financial adviser, an editor, a tax preparer...you won't see the person running from reality and hiding in the comfort of just one more job. You'll assume there's something special about me that makes me able to do many things well. You won't understand that I must do those things, I have no choice. To not work leaves leisure time, remembering time, sad time...and I'm finished being sad.

It's not talent or intelligence. It's survival.

And now people know. And, honestly, I'm okay with that. I've been hiding for a very long time. A few people have stayed much longer than I thought they would. But I can't quite kill the belief that one day they'll be gone, because I'm not meant to have people who will stay.

It's not negativity or believing in the worst-case scenario. It's survival.

I've mentally and emotionally allowed everyone to leave. It's okay if they don't call--that's the expectation. It's okay if they only contact me at Christmas--I planned for that. It's all right if they go away and I never hear from them again. Because if it's not okay, that means I might need them, or perhaps I just want them to stay. That would mean inviting someone other than me to be a part of my life, and I'm afraid of that.

But yesterday...

I decided some things.

I don't want to be the lovely person who puts everyone at ease all the time. And if that means some people don't think I'm wonderful, well, that's okay.

I don't want to work forever. Someday I want to be able to relax and think about the good things. And if I don't remember, just for a moment, the things that have hurt me, I think that's okay, too.

BUT--

If my friends get lives and decide maybe they don't have time for me anymore, or they decide I'm too much trouble and they want to run away from me, or they decide they don't want to call or chat or email anymore...

THAT IS NOT OKAY!!

I've decided. If you're my friend, we're staying that way. If there's a problem, I expect that you'll come talk to me about it. And if you don't--THAT IS NOT OKAY!! If we need some space, that's fine, but if you don't come back--THAT IS NOT OKAY!!

I'm finished living in a shell. I'm perfectly all right letting you know that you're important to me, that I want you in my life. And I don't care if you don't love me back, but I plan on loving you forever, and I think it would make us both happier if you love me, too. And by the way, I'm very vocal about how much you've impacted my life, how you've been available to me when I needed someone, how you've supported me as I've changed, but guess what!! I think I've done the same for you. And I don't care whether you agree or not. If I've done nothing to help you live your life in a positive, healthy way, then our friendship is unbalanced, and THAT IS NOT OKAY!! So if I'm wrong, and I haven't done those things, I expect that you'll allow me to do so, or, basically, we're not really friends.

That's all. So if you're my friend, and you have something to respond (negative or positive)--well, I've provided a comment section for you. Please--respond away...