As usual, I'm avoiding sleep.
It seems I have set in motion a chain reaction inside myself. I continue to make connections and draw conclusions. I am allowing myself to let go--but it hurts dreadfully. There is still a part of me that is certain when I am finished nothing will have been solved--I will simply forget. And I will have made all this fuss for nothing. There is still a certainty that no one truly cares about something which happened so long ago that it doesn't really matter.
I asked Darrin last night if I was important to him. I asked him if he missed me when I was not with him. He hugged me and said, "Yes," to both questions.
Why can't I believe?
Why am I certain that if I stop talking, and hurting, and digging about, that once again I will disappear behind the mask I once made to protect all people from me?
Why do I think that when I let all this go there will be nothing left of me?
I need to answer those questions, and soon. Because I am letting go, and I cannot keep talking about the same thing forever. And this seems to be the bottom line--I can't seem to understand that Samantha is not some colossal mistake. I can't seem to make my heart truly believe what my head is saying.
And it's silly, really. People who love me remind me of that often. I don't think this is happening because I despise myself--because I don't. I think it's that trust thing once again. I do not know how to trust.
So I guess I'll throw myself into whatever is happening inside myself, and believe it will make me feel better in the end. And I'm going to hope that those people who have expressed love to me really meant what they said.
And tonight I'm happy and sad. Happy, because I think I'm doing the right thing. Sad, because for whatever reason, I don't want people to forget the unwanted and aching little girl who used to be me. It's selfish, I know. Still, tonight this is how I feel.
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