An Uphill Climb

I don't know how to describe the things that are happening to me. I tried, last night, to talk about them with Tolkien Boy, who has, much to my chagrin, become a sounding board for me. When I'm not talking to him, I seem to be talking to Jason, and sometimes AtP, and always poor Darrin must listen as I talk through all that confuses me (sometimes into the wee morning hours, although Jason and Tolkien Boy have also experienced that particular "Sam's talking and she can't shut up" phenomenon). 

me: Are you in a spot where I can chat your ear off?   (what a visual)

TB: It's still relatively quiet here. I'm entering student information into our database, which is a pretty routine job.

me: Okay. Remember, I'm asking your opinion. I intend to get professional help, as it seems my unenviable task with most everything that happens emotionally, but before I talk about it with Therapist, I want to understand it from all angles. You often remind me of things I forget to think about (just making sure you know I'm not using you as a conversational release to avoid talking about this in the appropriate place).

TB: Thanks for being aware of what I might be feeling. What's on your mind?

me: A number of things have been happening since my last therapy trip to Utah.  

1. PTSD symptoms have become intense and feel unmanageable.   
   
2. However, they only seem to last a couple of days at a time. Previously, they could last up to six weeks or more, with no relief. 
   
3. Nightmares have become surreal--as nightmares should be. They still come, but I've been fairly successful at rerouting them--and they have a cartoon-ish quality which seems normal for nightmares.   
   
4. I've had no flashbacks for nearly four weeks.
   

In the midst of all this, a number of things have been happening emotionally. I don't know that they're unusual, but for the first time I can remember, I don't feel I'm in control. These things seem to have a life of their own. 

1. My social "walls" have become more intrusive. I am becoming less likely to talk to people or to introduce myself. I no longer enter a conversation unless it is business based, but am content to listen only.  
   
2. My desire for close friendships is waning. My head is telling me I need them, reminding me how much I love them, how helpful they have been--suggesting that my presence has been helpful and joyful to others, as well. My heart says it's tired--and that's all. 
   
3. My need to talk has become less strong. As was common four years ago, if I do talk, I feel a great need to separate myself from whomever was listening, for an indefinite period of time. 
   
4. I feel whole. As though, finally, everything I have worked for in the past three years suddenly clicked into place. But instead of feeling the need to continue being with people, I feel strongly that I need solitude, that to be with people is not something I wish for or need. 
   
5. I think I'm crazy.   
   

The end. 

TB: What in that list makes you think you're crazy?

me: Of all the things I worked on, building close relationships with others was paramount on my list. I worked on it longer and more frequently than anything else, and it brought me the most joy--immediate joy. And now--suddenly, there is no desire to continue any of it. I've always had an inclination to isolate--because that's what I was used to, but there was enough of a pull towards others to counteract that. That pull is now gone. Completely. 

TB: I suspect it isn't gone forever.   Perhaps you're adjusting to the nuances of having these needs met.  

me: Yes.  

TB: It makes sense, then, that there will be some startling snap-backs in both directions?  

me: It feels as though something has been set in motion that I can't stop. My head is screaming, "What do you think you're doing?!" My heart is saying, "Let everyone go. Mourn the loss, and start living again." But I don't want to. I'm here talking to you tonight, because I don't want to. I'm wondering if this is a plausible explanation: Finally after so many years of hanging on to the things of my past, I've let them go. It's a good thing. But in the process of letting them go, it feels as if my heart wants to also separate from anyone who was key in helping me get to that point. That includes Therapist, strangely enough. I don't want to see him again. It also includes AtP, Sully, and Jason, and (please don't be upset with me) you. 

TB: I'm not upset at all. I think it's a fairly plausible explanation. In fact, it could very well be what's operating here. If it is true, though, what does it mean? 

me: I don't know. Another reason I'm asking your opinion. What do you think? 

TB: Well, I think it means that your automatic inclination is to associate weakness with the things that you've been through. Now that you feel you've been past that, you feel the need to terminate relationships that know your weakness so that you can "begin again" from a position of strength. 

me: There is a frantic thought pattern in my head that screams, "Help me stay! Don't let go of me! Show me what to do next!"  All very melodramatic.  

TB: Well, emotions are emotional by definition. So, in the things you feel, there's also a desire to not lose what you've found?

me: It's reversed. My head used to tell me to stay away from people; my heart wished to love them. Now my heart says it's okay to be alone, and my head says I'm being an idiot. 

TB: Perhaps an inevitable result of working hard to reverse the roles of logic and emotion in your life?  

me: Could be, yes. 

TB: It seems that there will necessarily be some discomfort as your feelings and reason try to find new patterns of behavior. There's going to be a bit of wresting, it seems, and ways that you've habitually felt will have perhaps dramatically different expressions.  

me: This is more work than I expected. 

TB: It does seem like most things are, for me at least. 

________________________________ 5 minutes 

me: You've said you want me to stay. This is not too much work? 

TB: No, not too much work at all.  It can be hard work to be a friend, but the benefits far outweigh any inconvenience.  

me: And I want to stay, in spite of what I'm feeling. Okay. I'm good at working. 

TB: One of the best workers I know. 

me: Tolkien Boy, I wish sometimes that the timing of when we met had been better--no Sam-in-therapy-and-emotionally-messed-up. 

TB: What would that have accomplished? 

me: Sometimes I feel that you only know the parts of me by which I'm overwhelmed. The new parts. The ones I don't even really know myself. But there's more than that. Sorry--I'm just talking without thinking. You're right. It would accomplish nothing. 

TB: Well, I guess it connects to my knowing things you might consider "weak"?  

me: Or just knowing things I usually don't allow others to know. 

TB: I'm rather privileged by it.  

me: Sometimes you surprise me. :)   Thank you for your input. 

TB: You're welcome.

So now begins another battle within myself? Truly, everything feels as though it's leveling out. My PTSD symptoms are shorter in duration, but my desire to be alone increases daily. For the first time since my marriage, I'm alarmed to note that this desire includes Darrin who, up to this point has been excluded from all my crazy emotions aimed at people. 

Tolkien Boy says maintaining relationships is worth all the effort they take. But I'm not working on building and maintaining relationships with other people. This is all taking place inside of me. It's not like we're working together on this. Once again I feel that I have to do it all on my own. And after all I've done in the past two years, I'm tired. I'm fighting myself--and I'm an incredibly strong opponent. 

And honestly, I'm afraid. I'm worried now that I've let it be known what I'm battling, that those I love will get tired of all this. Ugh. I don't know how to do this! I whined for three years that I didn't want to be alone, and now, after all is said and done, my heart is telling me I had what I wanted from the beginning--and I need it back. It makes no sense. 

On the bright side, I've always felt I was good company...

My head is reminding me that I'm really at my best, though, when in tandem with the friends and family members I love...

This is very confusing...