Dear Offspring,

The kitchen utensil game must stop. I know it was started by DJ, so now everyone believes it's a family tradition, and I know I laughed the first time when, on our long family trip, he pulled an ice cream scoop from his backpack, but that does not imply tacit approval, nor does it mean anything in particular. I laugh at everything--a carpet fiber or stray sock can leave me giggling for days. And the second time, I laughed, too, when all of you withdrew your particular kitchen utensil of choice and compared to see who brought the best one, but I'm not laughing now.

While I appreciate that you purchased the items with your own money (really? you can't think of anything else you'd like to spend it on, like candy or iTunes?), and donated them to me (so nice of you, please don't think I'm not appreciative), there is no more room in my kitchen. Also, the barbecue sized ones must leave my home completely. Consider giving them to your friends for early Christmas presents. And I would like the game to end. The last trip ended with you sword fighting with a whisk and a melon baller, and a hot dog roasting stick (guess who won), and was more than a little distracting to the driver (but I handled it beautifully by pulling to the side of the road and yelling at you to PUT THOSE THINGS AWAY!!!).

So--no more kitchen utensil game on long trips, and please remove your purchases from my kitchen drawers immediately.

Love,
Mom

P.S. Maybe you could do something different on long trips--like listen to music, or read books, or sing, or play video games, or have belching contests...seriously, you're very weird.