I'm winning

After spending nearly a year trying to figure out how to recognize and combat the symptoms of PTSD, I think I'm finally figuring things out. During the past ten days I've experienced several bouts of feelings that usually end up overwhelming me. My normal reaction is to say stupid things, or isolate myself, or assume that isolation is unnecessary because everyone will leave me anyway. This time however, I was finally able to:
1. Notice the feelings when they were still forming.
2. Recognize that they had no basis and were stemming from fatigue or stress.
3. Take the time necessary to acknowledge the feelings without allowing them to escalate.
4. Have patience while waiting for the feelings to run their course.
5. Get adequate sleep and exercise.

Amazingly, even though I've had a few days when I've felt down (it's not easy to go through this, even though I'm aware they're just feelings), I can sense the feelings beginning to ease. I'm hoping I'll eventually become used to this process, and it will become second nature.

My dad noticed I was struggling, which was why he insisted on my being with family this weekend. He thinks he single-handedly helped me out of my slump--and I'm letting him. He needs to feel that he's helped me in some way, because he still agonizes over the things that happened to me which he could have stopped had he known what was going on. Truthfully, by the time I joined in the festivities, the feelings had worked themselves out, but I recognized my need to get away for a day, and it was good for me.

Now that I'm feeling more able to manage this lovely condition, I'm looking back at how many times I allowed it to damage relationships and I'm a little sad. I wish I knew what to do to mend things. But maybe some things can't be made better.

So--if you're a casualty of my inability to deal with my life, I'm sorry. I miss you. And I love you.