No Apologies

For a long time now I've felt that what I had to say, what I feel about life, my philosophy about people and love and beliefs, were all irrelevant. I visit sites where lively arguments take place about homosexuality and religion and who is right or wrong and things that happen that shouldn't (primarily mentioned in that category: mixed-orientation marriage). I listen as people talk scathingly about things I believe or hold sacred. I say nothing, knowing people do not understand why I choose that which I do, believing those things are not really important in the larger landscape and pertain only to me.

Years ago that bothered me. It doesn't anymore.

There are many things going on in my life right now that cause me anguish. Things beyond my ability to manage at present that hurt not only me, but also people I love. For a few weeks I believed I would be crippled by them--that everything I've fought for and all the healing I've been blessed with were for nothing. I've spoken with Therapist and a number of other people recently and while nothing has changed, necessarily, I'm willing to keep trying awhile longer. Giving up--giving in--acceptance--all these have their place in certain aspects of our lives. I had decided this was one of those times; perhaps, though, I was wrong. I'm willing to wait a few more weeks before I decide.

In the midst of all this, a new development has taken place. Months ago I was approached about being interviewed for an online blog. I thought about it for awhile. Feeling as I do, that my life, opinions, and voice are irrelevant, I hesitated. Eventually, though, I decided it would do no harm to answer questions in that arena, and so I did.

The podcast was posted earlier this week. My belief was (and still is) that a few people would listen. Some would be bored, others would find it mildly interesting, a few comments would be made, and the event would be forgotten. What I did not expect was that AtP would text me, wondering why I had not told him about the interview. I didn't expect that he would listen to it (the topic was religious, something that causes AtP aggravation and stress), nor that it would be something he would appreciate.

AtP was not excluded from the information. I mentioned the interview to no one. Again--it seemed such a tiny thing. But in discussing it with him, I was reminded once more of who I am--and I am grateful for the person I have become, I am convinced that what I believe is right for me, and I appreciate my personal convictions. So tonight, in my closed blog, I am listing a few of the things that make me Samantha. It no longer matters if those things are irrelevant to the rest of the world, or if I am a lone, quiet voice in the midst of all the shouting. It doesn't matter if no one ever believes as I do, or if I am always uniquely wrong. This is who I am:

I believe one of the most sacred rights all people share is the right to choose what we believe. I will never tell you I am right and you are wrong, and I will defend with all my strength your right to disagree with me. I am grateful for differing opinions. I learn from them, or am strengthened by them. I am always glad when people think for themselves, ask questions, and search for answers.

I understand that my life and beliefs do not make sense to many people. I know some would tell me to make different choices and counsel me that I would be happier and less anxious if I would follow the natural inclinations of my body and attractions. I also understand those who advise me in this way do so because they care about me and are not trying to undermine anything I have built into my life or belief system. I respect their right to tell me their thoughts, and I am grateful they are mindful of me.

I believe there is a time when resentment, hurt, shame, anger, and pain must be felt, explored, and expressed in some way. I also believe that at some point those things must be allowed to dissipate. They might never leave, but they must not be allowed to govern our lives and interfere with out ability to find peace, joy, and satisfaction each day. There is a necessity for forgiveness--not necessarily to ease the lives of those who have caused us harm (although there is value in that), but because we cannot thrive until we have reached a point of resolution and acceptance. We do not have to accept that everything we have experienced is all right, but rather that WE are going to be all right, that we look forward to abundance in our future lives, and that we understand the past will continue to touch us (which might cause occasional pain), but will not rule us. Life is meant to be filled with joy, passion, and wonder.

I believe in loving people. I believe in looking for and finding the beautiful things often missed by others. I believe in remembering what foods people like/dislike, their favorite colors, music they enjoy, favorite authors or stories, where they like to spend their free time. I believe in spending quiet time with people--not saying anything--just feeling who they are. And I believe in laughing, always. Shared laughter is best, but it's not unheard of to find me giggling at something hilarious I've just seen or thought or said to myself. I laugh often--mostly because really, life is pretty funny.

And if you want to know more--if you wish to know how I answer certain questions--or even if you're the tiniest bit curious about what my voice sounds like, you can find me right here:
http://www.fairblog.org/2011/12/07/fair-examination-2-an-active-lds-mother-with-same-gender-attraction/