Early this week I realized I felt okay. I've had no panic attacks or anxiety for a little while now. I don't feel sad constantly. I no longer feel neglected or abandoned. I'm okay.
So I've been thinking about what it means to be okay.
1. It means if people interact with me, that's fine. It's also fine if they don't.
2. It means I focus on my work. I go running. I read. I practice. I don't plan to accommodate social interactions that are not on my calendar.
3. It means I can structure my life.
4. It means if I don't answer my phone or texts, or I put off an email or chat session, that's all right.
5. It means that I've stopped worrying if I choose to do (or not do) something that makes people think less of me.
6. It means I am calm most of the time.
Those are positive things for the most part, I think. Briefly, though, I have wondered if the following are also positive, or if they are worrisome:
1. If I see someone available on my chat list, I don't engage them. Nor do I hope they will hail me. I see them and my brain says, "That person is online." The end.
2. I wonder less about my friends and family. I assume they can take care of themselves with no input from me and that, should they need me, they'll let me know.
3. I have no problem with the word "friend" in any context anymore.
4. I don't make plans with people. Two months ago, when someone would say, "We need to have lunch!" I would reply, "Yes, let's schedule that now." And we would. Yesterday someone said, "We need to have lunch!" and I said, "We do! We should do that sometime." And that felt okay.
5. I don't really dream about what might happen in my future. I used to think of places I'd like to visit, or people I longed to be with. Now I just practice. Or read. Or run. I don't really want anything.
So maybe I'm just content. Life is fine. This is how it feels when things are okay.
I am tired, though, so I'm not really sure if this is a place I should look at more carefully, or just allow myself to remain for the rest of my life. It's not a bad place. The only thing upsetting is that my nightmares have increased again. I'm used to that, though, and sleep isn't something I really care about.
I just don't know. Darrin doesn't seem worried and neither do my kids-- or really, anyone who knows me-- so probably this is what happens when things are okay. Life just levels out.
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Well, I think contentment is different for each person. That said, as I am generally content through much shit, I wonder at your lack of desire (*if* that phrasing is correct, and it mayn't be) for future things.
ReplyDeleteBeing content shouldn't displace dreams and wants. Maybe you're at a waystation of contentment, you know? Grabbing a sip, looking around, but not all the way to fully there. Who knows what it will be like? Sounds as if you've been through a helluva lot in life, and are in a long healing phase. I can relate. You write well, anyway, and I hope this finds you feeling a little saucy. Peace, Mari
How funny - I had completely forgotten that someone could read my blog. I know it's public, but it's also pretty obscure, and I think I had it in my head that blogging is dead. :)
DeleteAnyway, thank you for taking time to read and talk back to me. I think it's been years since someone has done that. And I will think on the things you've said. They have merit. Wishing you well, Mari.