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Monday, March 7, 2016

This morning, very early, I called a suicide hotline. And then I hung up. Because what would they tell me to do? Get help. Go to a hospital. Call a friend. Talk to someone. But there's really no one around at 4 a.m. And if I get help or go to a hospital, someone has to pay for that. I'm fairly certain I won't be released from the hospital for rehearsals, nor will I be able to work online while I'm there getting help, and I don't have insurance, so I don't really know how that bill would be paid. It's sort of a stupid system, if you think about it. Probably I feel this way because I'm working lots and lots of hours so we have money to live. But it makes me want to die. But if I get help for that, I have to work lots and lots of hours to pay for it. Which sort of defeats the purpose, right?

Talk to someone.

About what? There's nothing to say. And everyone will just walk away from that conversation feeling worse. I am not really in the business of making other people's lives miserable.

So why did I call the hotline in the first place?

I'm not sure. I was in a bad place. It seemed a logical step. It felt less logical after the number was dialed. Maybe I just wanted to tell someone I'm having a hard time right now. But it's not like that can change right away anyway. And telling someone just makes me feel stupid.

So calling was a bad idea.

I got a haircut on Saturday. That was fun.


  1. Just saw these most recent posts. I'm so sorry you're sad. Let's definitely chat tomorrow or Wed. Sorry I called while you were with a client--but the fact that it was Cookie Monster singing is pretty delightful ;-)

    You have every right to be sad. You are allowed to let yourself feel it, and it will burden nobody to share with them what you are feeling--in fact, you sharing it with them will likely make them happy you opened up. It will make them feel special that someone so amazing trusted them.

    You also have every right to take care of yourself. You are worth taking care of.

    You are very bright, so I'm about to say nothing you don't already know, but I feel it is important to say nonetheless. There are solutions to your situation that are probably not obvious right now (or that feel inaccessible) because your brain is so focused on work and survival. Those solutions will involve stopping the carousel you are on getting some rest so your brain can recuperate from the high stress you have been functioning with. They will involve creative and practical thinking (both of which you are quite brilliant at) and perhaps some thinking outside the box (something your life is filled with).

    You don't have to feel trapped. While you love working hard (which is a noble thing), you don't have to work *this* hard. It is simply an illusion that in the current state of affairs, this is the only solution available to you. I think your brain and body are telling you some very clear things: that you need some rest, and if you don't get rest, your body and mind will try to get it any way it can (like hospitalization).

    I hope you go on a run today. I hope you see spring happening. I hope you forget your hours of work ahead and do self-care. I hope you smell something wonderful--perhaps lovely flowers on your run. I hope you laugh. I hope you see a butterfly. I hope you take a day off. Your brain will tell you doing these things will never work, that you'll never recover the lost time, that the hours and dollars will be gone forever. I challenge these notions. There is no true scarcity here. Even though the scarcity feels real, there is only abundance. There is an abundance of time available to you (hours and hours and hours and hours), and there is an abundance of creative financial solutions if you give yourself time to think and rest and calculate, and there is an abundance of people who love you and want you to be happy. There is an abundance of help available to you. You are not alone. There are ways to resolve your situation that will feel good and right. You will figure this one out, just like you have always figured dark times out. Your track record of recovering from crisis is exceptionally good, actually.

    No idea of any of these words help, but know that I love you. :-) We'll talk tomorrow or Wednesday.

  2. I second what Josh said. And will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Have you ever tried something other than talk therapy to help with things? I utilize EMDR in my practice and love seeing the changes that happen for people.

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