I survived 2020. Just wanted to put that out there.
Why am I back here? Well, during my decade of blogging I learned a great deal about myself, my past, and my relationships, and I became Samantha. Good things, all. And I made some amazing friends, learned more about people, in general, and questioned everything I thought I knew about life. Mostly good things.
But now it's been a decade and a half since I started blogging. That "half" part doesn't really count as blogging, given how little I've been here, but there is a piece of me that I still consider a Blogger. It's an important part. I don't believe I'd be who I am now without it.
Things I learned then that are still true now:
1. I can heal. And I have. There are so many hurts that were festering that now are only whispers of themselves. They still visit me in the night sometimes. Occasionally, they cause me enough distress that I speak of them to someone, but not often. I am definitely better.
2. People can help. And it's okay to ask for help sometimes. I've done it. I'll say more about this later.
3. I will continue to grow and question no matter how old I become. Because things change and I change. What was a surety 10 years ago, no longer is.
4. Life is tenuous. I knew it a decade and a half ago. I know it more now. I've lost friends and family in the past year. That still hurts a lot. I miss them
Things I hoped I would leave behind me that haunt me still:
1. Friendships. Not that I wanted to leave those behind, but my insecurity within them--that's the part I hoped I could talk myself out of. It's still there. I'm still the person who frets that I will become passé, or boring, or forgotten. I wish that was different. It's not. And the closer I am to someone, the more stressed I become. I've had friendships wane or pass away. I don't worry about that. I probably don't even miss those people. I'm comfortable when the friendship runs its course because that's my expectation. There is still one person who has told me it's okay to be uncomfortable in our relationship, and that he's not going anywhere. But I don't know how to believe that. Even after all these years.
2. PTSD. I wanted to beat it. I believed I would make it go away. The truth is that when I was told I would deal with it for the rest of my life, I told Therapist that wasn't happening. I would work and research and do whatever it took to not be burdened with the disorder. And he said he believed I could do it. The funny thing is, as real researchers made discoveries about PTSD and its treatment, it was proven that PTSD isn't a lifelong illness and some people recover and aren't troubled by it anymore. I'm not one of them. I don't know if I just got tired or if I just stopped trying, but something happened. PTSD is alive and well in me.
3. My abuser's voice. I'm very good at ignoring it now, or tuning it out. But it's still there, telling me all the reasons I'm not good enough, or thin enough, or pretty or talented or kind... I'm not enough. But I am. I know I am. I FEEL that I am. Still, the voice persists. I don't know how to leave it behind.
I'm here today, Blog, because I'm feeling those things in the second list. And I don't know who to talk to right now. Darin just had surgery--a huge life-threatening one. He would definitely listen to me, but he's tired and trying to heal. He might go to sleep while I was talking, which is reasonable, but off-putting.
I could talk to Tolkien Boy, but he began his own therapeutic journey not long ago, and I get the feeling he's rethinking a lot of things in his life, which includes me. And the truth, my truth, is that one of the things I want for anyone I love is for them to have control over how they find, explore, and speak THEIR truth. If he has a need for space from me while figuring all that out, I don't want to influence how that plays out. I want him to have that. I was talking with Darin about this and he said, "What if TB decides that space from you is what he wants permanently." I tried to tell Darin how painful that would be for me, but something I would want for TB if that was the thing that was needed. But Darin fell asleep.
So I'm here. You're not the best at offering advice, Blog, but you let me say my piece. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Today is one of those days. But it's also very lovely outside. I'm vaccinated against the dreaded plague. I have spent so much wonderful time with my children (can you believe they all grew up?), their spouses (and got married?), and my husband (yes, he's still her--love that guy!) during the pandemic. There are blessings to be had, always.
Anyway, I'm feeling lonely today. And sad for many reasons. Thanks for being there, Blog, and for listening. I appreciate it.
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