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Saturday, April 20, 2019

So Many Changes

Adam calls me Robohips. And he's married now. That's weird.

We're moving again. This is a very good thing. We need to be away from my father-in-law. The three years we've spend with him have taken a huge toll on Darrin. Their relationship has never been great. But I've watched my husband's self-esteem disappearing as the days with his father have continued. The past does not erase simply because it happened long ago.

So we're moving. FIL is going to be with another child - one who will not allow him to bulldoze or undermine her. My guess is that he will either capitulate, or he'll marry the person from the Dominican Republic who wants him to bring her to the US, and she'll take his money. She'll also take care of him, which is what he wants the most.

I wonder sometimes if that's what everyone wants at the core. I say I don't. If someone tries to coddle or pamper me, I become indignant. But there are definitely days when I could use a listening ear and a cuddle. So maybe I want the same thing Del does. I'm just not passive aggressive about getting it.

The people who came into my life more than a decade ago have disappeared. Some left abruptly. I didn't even know they were gone until I was ghosted. Some left gradually. I watched it happen, wondering why it seems to be the inevitable end of every relationship. Some still check in with me occasionally. I know they care. They're just not here.

I confessed to DJ, during one of our many commutes, that when people no longer present themselves in my life, my brain works very hard to omit them. I told him that happened when he moved out the first time. DJ wanted so badly to be independent. He was exhausted from living with pre-treatment center Tabitha. We all were. And he needed to regroup and learn to live again. As a result, he was rarely in contact with us, even though he lived less than a mile away. And within six weeks, my PTSD brain had convinced me that he was gone--and that was okay. I didn't try to contact him. Ever.

I would like to say this no longer happens, but it does. When people leave, they're gone. It's that simple. And I'm embarrassed that this happens to me. I really do try not to let it happen. I remind myself that I'm not invisible and people really do love me. I remind myself that separation is a part of life and usually it's temporary. I look at pictures, and read chat message, and think about what we'll do when we're together again. Except we never will be. Because they're gone. And the best thing for me to do is move forward and forget.

Anyway, that's the cycle. It sucks. And it's super embarrassing. I have forgotten people so completely that when they come back (and they do), sometimes I can't remember why we knew each other to begin with. Of course, that didn't happen with DJ. He's my son. But when he came back, I didn't know what to say to him. It stressed me out that he was there. I wanted him to got. Again, completely embarrassing.

Twice in his adult life, DJ has had to come back to live with us. Once, when he had knee surgery and needed a place to stay and recuperate. And again, when I told him about the job here, and he moved. He's finally in his own place now. He's said he'll make contact with me outside work a couple of times weekly. That's a large commitment. but I hope he will. I want him to stay in my head.

Probably at some point I'll find another therapist. Therapist is no longer working with private clients. Adam cried when he found out their work together would be ending. I didn't. I've been with him more than a decade. And he's helped us both to much. But probably, six months from now, I won't remember what he looks like. Embarrassing.

I don't know how to talk about this with people. I don't know what's appropriate to ask. I'm pretty much mortified that this is even a thing. I'd like to ignore it and just let people think I'm stuck up or don't want them because that's how badly I don't want to address it.


We had an amazing thunderstorm today. I love those. And I made fagots. And I mowed my lawn. It was beautiful today. 

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