Feeling Stressed

pI'm sitting here eating a bowl of corn flakes because I promised I would have something today, and so far I've only had fresh air and sunlight. But I'm feeling some stress, which usually impedes my eating, and feeling a bit triumphant because half the bowl is gone and I don't feel like throwing up--a very good sign.

I've decided that my stress level is above normal today, and I'm giving myself permission to feel that stress for the following reasons:
1. Tomorrow is the last day of seminary. This would not be a problem if I wasn't in love with all my students and wishing I could see them every morning for the rest of my life. And while I understand this is unrequited love, I'm still going to miss them terribly. I think I'll move my running time from lunch hour to 6:15 a.m. to help fill the void this creates.
2. Tonight is seminary graduation. Since the grads are my class, I'm in charge of refreshments. I had a couple of people lined up to help me make food. Both called me last night to let me know they'd decided to leave for their 3-day weekends two days early, thus giving them a real holiday and leaving me to fend for myself. So I've been putting together the food by myself and will continue to do that until the meeting begins. I'm already tired. Plus, one of the people who left me in a bind was my beloved mother. I've decided I need a new one. Any takers?
3. Darrin's father is coming to Utah and has said he needs to see us. He asked if Darrin would take a week off work and we'd just stay the entire time he was there. He offered to pay our hotel bill if we'd do that. However, the kids are still in school and what Darrin's father forgot is that both Darrin and I work, so we won't be able to take that time off. We compromised with the plan to see him over the weekend (Saturday-Monday), and then he's welcome to make a stop at our house on the way home (which won't happen since he's on a flight headed back to the East Coast). So, when I'm all done with seminary graduation I will stay up the rest of the night washing all the clothes that my children have hidden in the twilight zones of their rooms, but decided they must have for a weekend in Utah, and making certain that enough socks and underwear get packed.
4. We will be spending the weekend with Darrin's sister and husband who always seem to be in crisis. Sister-in-law has decided that Brother-in-law, who has been in poor health for the last forty years, is dying. This could be a very long weekend.
5. After my recent unfortunate incarceration, my house is a bit more messy than I can endure. In between making food for the masses, doing laundry, and packing, I'm cleaning. Stupid, I know, but really very necessary in order for me to exist. DJ and Adam underwent training this morning on how to work a dishcloth. They seem to have forgotten the intricacies of such a modern piece of equipment, but after a little practice, I believe they have mastered it. Tabitha pitched a fit because I told her it was more important to me that she be able to walk into her bedroom without needing a machete to chop through the walls of clothes, toys, and trash that have built up, than it was for her to get to school on time. I even suggested she take a day off to see if she could discover the color of her carpet. She is apparently not feeling adventurous today since she left for school in a timely manner leaving the carpet hue a mystery.

While I understand these things are not vitally important, they are, however, causing me extreme stress. I need to go run. I don't think I'll be getting a chance to do so. However, I'm congratulating myself on my corn flakes ingestion. Most people wouldn't consider that progress--but for me, it's huge.

Darrin Speaks

I'm a little bit preoccupied with my husband lately--as evinced by the theme of marriage insinuating itself into my more recent posts. As a rule, Darrin lives in a supporting role in my drama, and I am always the main focus. However, lately, he's been more vocal than usual about certain events that have been taking place in my life.

For example:
Darrin: I'm a little concerned that you told Therapist you're finished with counseling.
Me: Why? Don't you think I'm better? Is there something wrong? What do you see? What haven't you been telling me?

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: I'm concerned because you still aren't eating normally, and I don't want anything to happen to you.
Me: Why? What do you think could happen? What do you mean "normally"? Why are you watching my eating habits? Don't you trust me?

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: How about we discuss something else?
Me: Okay.

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: You've made some good friends lately. A couple of them have been extremely loving and helpful to you. But some of the things you said to me about them makes me think you're a little uncomfortable with the closeness of your friendship. You're getting ready to shut them off. And don't argue with me about it--I've watched you do it for a lot of years.
Me: What makes you think so? I don't notice anything different. Did you not see me talking on the phone with one of them today? Everything is fine.

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: Okay, if you say so. But I still think you're scared and getting ready to run. And I just want you to think about what your friends have done for you, what they mean to you, and how much you love them, because once you push them all away, you're a little bit difficult to live with for about two years. I'm not looking forward to that.
Me: I think you're wrong. I'm not pushing anyone away. I'm really hard to live with sometimes?

LONG PAUSE

Me: I know you're right. I just don't know what to do.
Darrin: That's why I suggested more therapy. Maybe someone can help you work through the stress you feel when you love people so much that you become afraid of them.
Me: I'm not afraid of you.
Darrin: Because you know I'm too lazy to go away. And because I have no reason to ever leave.
Me: The others will, though. All of them.
Darrin: Why do you think that?
Me: I don't know why they would ever stay. There's no reason.
Darrin: You? Maybe they'll stay because they love you?
Me: Do you really think that's a possibility? Because I can't imagine it, and it's making me crazy.
Darrin: Sam, I don't want you to lose everything you've gained in the last year. You're practicing the piano several hours daily to avoid being with people, you've stopped attending activities with the young women, you don't go out to lunch with friends very much, you go home instead of staying at church for Sunday School, and you've been running too much again.
Me: Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I'm not meant to be with people. I'm just meant to play the piano and run and be alone.
Darrin: You know that's not true.

LONG PAUSE

Me: Can I have some time to think about this? I'm really feeling overwhelmed.
Darrin: Yeah.