Warning: I never swear except in this post, Part Two

In the late summer I finally wrote a post detailing some of what happened. I was more ashamed of that publication than I can express. Allowing people to know the extent of my abuse was horribly vulnerable. I felt humiliated and weak. I was certain that as I revealed more, people would feel about me as I felt for myself--that I was tainted and dirty--that I had no worth or dignity--that my life should have ended years ago, because I had nothing left to give.

I removed the post after about a month. During that month I read the comments of people who responded. I think that was a turning point for me. People did not assign blame to me--they empathized. They mourned for the little girl inside me. And for the first time in many years, I wept because I didn't feel that I had to be alone in this anymore. There were people who didn't really know me, who had no personal connection, but who still cared about something that happened many years ago. That was, perhaps, the first time I believed that I might not be exempt from being able to find human love outside of one or two people.

The experience of showing a part of what had happened to an unknown audience made me feel a bit daring and reckless. I had made a new friend who seemed to enjoy chatting with me often. During one of our conversations I alluded to the abuse in my life, allowing him to know of one of the ways in which I had been raped. His reaction was unexpected and angry. Even though the anger was directed at my cousin, I was unprepared for his emotions. I pulled back immediately and avoided the subject for awhile. But one night I was online after midnight and he began chatting with me. I was tired, I'd had a very difficult day, and I lost all good sense during our conversation. But I think this was the first time that I felt any real emotion about my past and shared it, allowing myself to open up and be vulnerable. I used a word I never use--but it was the best I could come up with for this conversation. I had yet to admit that I had been raped. For whatever reason, rape seemed too horrible to accept. This was a step toward acknowledging that reality:

me: wow--there are lots of people hurting at 2:30 a.m.
Good Friend: yes, you're good to talk with them
me: I don't know why they talk to me--it doesn't solve anything, and I never tell them what to do.
Good Friend: people don't want their problems solved, they want them validated
me: You're probably right. That's an interesting thing to think about, for me, because I DON'T like to talk about my problems.
Good Friend: why not?
me: I suppose because I see them as so ugly, not really sharable
Good Friend: your problems may run deeper than other people's?
me: probably not. It's just how I see it
Good Friend: :) Well, it's not a bad thing unless you need to talk about things
me: That was one of my counseling assignments: Tell others about the abuse in my past. carefully select people I feel safe confiding in. So I blogged it instead. my therapist said it didn't count
Good Friend: he may be right, even talking about it online is different than actually talking to someone
me: So I told you a tiny little bit--and it was upsetting to you. I don't think I'll ever be able to complete that assignment
Good Friend: Well, be fair to me, the fact that you were hurt made me upset because I don't like you to be hurt, but it didn't bring me down
me: I'm not being unfair--I totally understand how it can be upsetting.
Good Friend: or make me feel that I was sorry I asked
me: I told my therapist I didn't understand why it was necessary to tell people. He said, until I can talk about it...it won't be over. I disagree.
Good Friend: really?
me: It was over a long time ago. and yes
Good Friend: but it isn't over for you, I mean, it still bothers you
me: But right now it only affects me. If I tell, then it affects more people. I need to understand why
Good Friend: understand why?
me: Why it's important to share the ugliness
Good Friend: because it's not your responsibility to carry it all?
me: The only one I could tell, whose responsibility it is, is my cousin. He already knows
Good Friend: I guess I'm talking more about the people who love you and want to help
and for you, too, it's tempting to lock things inside that hurt
me: AAGGHHH...this is agonizing.
Good Friend: sorry
me: No I'M sorry
Good Friend: lol, why be sorry? you're a wonderful, precious friend and I want you to be happy. I want there to be nothing you're afraid of. I think that no one who loves you views you as a burden
me: Yeah, but that's the thing--they don't know!!!
Good Friend: what don't they know?
me: How awful--how messed up--how hellishly miserable the things my therapist wants me to say, actually are.
Good Friend: I think, maybe, that's why he wants you to say them so that you can see, through other people's eyes, that there isn't anything that can make people no longer love you and that the things you think are the worst things of you have no bearing on how other people see and love you
me: So if I tell you that when I was almost 12 my cousin fucked the hell out of me--using every orifice possible, and leaving me to clean up my own blood and his semen--every possible night for nearly four months--that doesn't change how you feel about me?
Good Friend: no. I love you every bit as I ever did. I really, really want to give you a hug for having to deal with such a difficult thing
me: I just want to scream
Good Friend: but I love you, and the actions of someone so sick does not make me love you less
me: I don't understand--and I am not a stupid person--how knowing that I've been defiled can't change how people feel
Good Friend: You're not a stupid person at all, but you're missing what I see, which is that the fact that someone took advantage of you doesn't say anything about you. It says too much about him, but all it says is that you've had a horrible, crushing thing to deal with, and your bravery in dealing with it has made you beautiful to me. Maybe it's better explained this way. If I met a girl who had been burned in a fire, I would get to know her and find out who she was. But I wouldn't think that the fact that she got burned said anything about who she was. I know it's different. Metaphors are bad but in my mind, it's about the same distinction.
me: I think I know what you're saying. But I have to say just a couple of things.
First--I really don't want people to pity me. I don't know why that's important to me, but I feel rather fierce about it.
Good Friend: that's understandable
me: Second--I'm so sorry for putting my experiences in the way that I did--sort of attacking and very crass.
Good Friend: well, apology accepted, but I wasn't hurt by it and I wouldn't expect you to not have strong feelings about it
me: No, but I'm very good at controlling my language--I could have said it differently.
Good Friend: I wasn't offended
me: I was.
Good Friend: okay
me: I'm sorry, I'm just a little overwhelmed. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I finally told someone--and I don't have a clue what I'm feeling--very confusing. And I'm also trying to move on, so you don't have to think about it anymore.
Good Friend: I'm all right thinking about it for a while
me: I might have an inkling of why my therapist gave me my assignment
Good Friend: why is that?
me: there's actually some relief being felt right now.
Good Friend: Think how much more it would be if I were an actual person!
:D
me: I'm not quite ready for that.
Good Friend: well, that's also understandable, but it's not a bad thing to think about
me: Besides, then I would have to see the emotions felt by said actual person--I don't know if I could deal with that.
Good Friend: if you choose your confidante wisely, I think you'll see love
me: AND they would see me cry--I know I would hate that.
Good Friend: I also hate being vulnerable
me: Yeah. Good Friend, thanks for loving me, in spite of me
Good Friend: Well, I honestly, honestly mean it when I say you've never given me any reason not to love you, and you continue always to be lovable
me: and I love you.
Good Friend: :) then I think we should continue to be friends
me: Okay. Good night
Good Friend: Okay. Good night

Things I don't usually say

I don't share my feelings of attraction with friends. I never have. I've always felt that it was something that had only to do with me, and to talk about it with others, especially when I never plan to pursue such feelings in any way, simply makes a difficult situation worse. Even in the past, when I did plan to act, I still kept my feelings to myself. I didn't even discuss them with the person in question. I'm assigning no value judgment to my reticence. It is simply the way I am.

Yesterday, however, for whatever reason, I found myself discussing a person for whom I've recently felt attraction, with another friend. It was odd, and I don't know why I even brought it up. I don't feel a need for encouragement--I've been dealing with this long enough that I know exactly what to do. I don't feel the need to build common ground--my friend and I are way beyond that. I don't need advice...while I'm sometimes tempted, I also know what I really want, and I have it. Temptation is normal. I have no idea why the words came out of me.

me: Today was an interesting SSA day.
Friend: Wait, explain the interesting ssa-ness.
me: Of all people, I thought you'd understand. Aren't you a struggler?
Friend: but you don't usually struggle with SSA. I, on the other hand should just resign myself to the evergreen support group and post on D2
me: I didn't say I struggled, I said it was interesting. So, I've worked with a girl, J, for three years now--and in several different circumstances. We're good friends. But it would be easy to cross lines with her, and I think it's because she's sending out very strong signals that I keep ignoring. She says she's bi-, and she knows I'm married, I think...maybe not...actually, I'm not sure. Well, that could answer some questions, right there.
Friend: That's awkward.
me: So you probably wish I hadn't brought this up, but now I'm glad I did. She and I have something to talk about tomorrow.

So now I'm left with a sort of unusual conversation (for me, anyway). However, I will talk with J if she continues to go out of her way to solicit responses I'd rather not experience, and that could be interesting.

I suppose this proves to my friend that I'm very, very human. Somehow, I can't imagine that this is earth-shattering news.

Phone Conversation 7

Caller: Hey, we've got a lot of water backed up here. I need someone to come out and look at it.
Me: Okay. I'm really quite good at looking at things. I'll be out running errands in about an hour and I'll stop by then, if that's convenient for you.
Long pause...
Caller: Is this George's Plumbing?
Me: No, it isn't. You know, I was just talking with a friend of mine. He says that friendship is fairly easy, it only requires a little bit of thought now and then. I don't necessarily agree with that, because I think a good friendship requires regular maintenance. What do you think?
Caller: Well, mostly my friends and I just go drink on the weekends. But if I need anything, I know they're there for me.
Me: That must be a comforting thought.
Caller: Yeah, it is.
Me: So, do you ever just get together and talk?
Caller: We go camping sometimes.
Me: Hmmm...I'm not a great camper, but I can see how some people might like it.
Long pause...
Caller: I should probably call George's Plumbing.
Me: Well, you did say you had water backed up, so I think that's a good idea. Do you still want me to come look at it?
Caller: You can come look at me.
Me: Thank you. I'll pencil that in on my errand list.
Caller: See you later, then.
Me: Good-bye.

Phone Conversation 6

me: I just got ANOTHER PHONE CALL FOR GEORGE'S PLUMBING!!!!!
Tolkien Boy: :D
me: That makes six in the last two days.
TB: Your conversations, recorded, are hilarious.
me: I thought it was funny, too, at first, so I was messing with them. Now I'm getting tired of it. This is the latest conversation:
Me: Hello
Man: Um, is this George's Plumbing and Heating?
Me: No.
Man: Oh. I'm sorry.
Me: It's okay.
Man: um...bye.

Perhaps I should start a new career. I'd be a good plumber, maybe.
TB: Please don't. The thought of you as a plumber is almost overwhelming.
me: Why?
TB: You're far too talented as it is. If you could do plumbing, I'd have no potential skills to bring to the friendship.
me: Wait--friendship requires skills?
TB: No, I'm kidding. All that friendship requires is a little bit of thought, now and then.
me: I completely disagree. I think of friendship all the time. Nonetheless, it still challenges me.

Phone Conversation 5

Me: Hello, you have not reached George's Plumbing. This is not his number, it's mine. Please hang up, recheck the number in the phone book, and dial again.
Caller: Ummm...okay...but I'd rather talk to you, if you don't mind.
Me: Oh, hi Mom. I'm getting so used to the wrong number phone calls, I'm not even checking the caller ID anymore. Not that it would matter on this particular phone. We can't see the readout anymore.
Mom: So, do I have to call back or is it okay if we talk now.
Me: Well, I don't like giving special treatment to anyone, but since you birthed me out, I suppose I can make an exception just this once.
Mom: Sam, you're a little bit disgusting.
Me: I know, but funny. I can hear you laughing.
Mom: It's a combination of bad taste and insanity, something I seem to have passed on to you.
Me: No question about it. Thanks, Mom.

Phone Conversation 4

Me: Hello?
Caller: My kitchen floor is flooding.
Me: Wow, that must be frustrating.
Caller: Yes, will you send someone out? My address is: xxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx.
Me: I'm the only one here right now, and I can't come.
Caller: Oh, it's lunchtime. Okay, I'll keep mopping, but will you send someone as soon as they get back from lunch?
Me: Actually, I don't expect anyone until 3:00. That's usually when they get home from school.
Caller: School?
Me: Yes.
Caller: Isn't this George's Plumbing?
Me: No.
Caller: Oh.
Me: Sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck with that kitchen.
Caller: Good-bye.
Me: Good-bye.

Phone Conversation 3

Caller: Hey, is George there?
Me: There is no George at this number.
Caller: This isn't George's Plumbing?
Me: Nope.
Caller: I must have the wrong number.
Me: Yes.
Caller: Can you tell me what this number is?
Me: You dialed it, you would know better that I.
Caller: You don't know your own number?
Me: What makes you think I live here?
Caller: Do you?
Me: Yes.
Caller: So, you don't know your own number?
Me: I do. But I don't give it out to strangers over the phone.
Caller: Oh. Good idea.
Me: I think so. Good-bye.
Caller: Good-bye.

Phone Conversation 2

Caller: Is this George's Plumbing?
Me: No, it isn't, but that does seem to be the question of the day.
Caller: What?
Me: You have the wrong number.
Caller: Oh, sorry. Do you have the right number?
Me: I have the right number for me.
Caller: What?
Me: No, I don't have the number for George's Plumbing. However, I'm assuming it's similar to this one, so maybe if you just start calling, but change one or two numbers, eventually you'll get the right place.
Caller: What?
Me: Or, you could look it up again in the phone book.
Caller: Where do you think I got this number?
Me: Off a restroom wall?
Caller: What?
Me: Good-bye.
Caller: Good-bye.

Phone Conversation

Caller: Is this George's Plumbing?
Me: I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
Caller: You're sure?
Me: Last time I checked, yes.
Caller: This is the number in the phone book for George's Plumbing.
Me: What a coincidence. It seems to be my number as well.
Long Pause....
Caller: Could I talk to George?
Me: I suppose you could, if he lived or worked here, which he doesn't.
Caller: Do you have his number?
Me: No. Do you?
Caller: No. Do you need to call him?
Me: You never know. I might need a plumber. I'll go check my faucets. Thanks for calling. Good-bye.
Caller: Good-bye.

Darrin Speaks

I'm a little bit preoccupied with my husband lately--as evinced by the theme of marriage insinuating itself into my more recent posts. As a rule, Darrin lives in a supporting role in my drama, and I am always the main focus. However, lately, he's been more vocal than usual about certain events that have been taking place in my life.

For example:
Darrin: I'm a little concerned that you told Therapist you're finished with counseling.
Me: Why? Don't you think I'm better? Is there something wrong? What do you see? What haven't you been telling me?

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: I'm concerned because you still aren't eating normally, and I don't want anything to happen to you.
Me: Why? What do you think could happen? What do you mean "normally"? Why are you watching my eating habits? Don't you trust me?

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: How about we discuss something else?
Me: Okay.

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: You've made some good friends lately. A couple of them have been extremely loving and helpful to you. But some of the things you said to me about them makes me think you're a little uncomfortable with the closeness of your friendship. You're getting ready to shut them off. And don't argue with me about it--I've watched you do it for a lot of years.
Me: What makes you think so? I don't notice anything different. Did you not see me talking on the phone with one of them today? Everything is fine.

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: Okay, if you say so. But I still think you're scared and getting ready to run. And I just want you to think about what your friends have done for you, what they mean to you, and how much you love them, because once you push them all away, you're a little bit difficult to live with for about two years. I'm not looking forward to that.
Me: I think you're wrong. I'm not pushing anyone away. I'm really hard to live with sometimes?

LONG PAUSE

Me: I know you're right. I just don't know what to do.
Darrin: That's why I suggested more therapy. Maybe someone can help you work through the stress you feel when you love people so much that you become afraid of them.
Me: I'm not afraid of you.
Darrin: Because you know I'm too lazy to go away. And because I have no reason to ever leave.
Me: The others will, though. All of them.
Darrin: Why do you think that?
Me: I don't know why they would ever stay. There's no reason.
Darrin: You? Maybe they'll stay because they love you?
Me: Do you really think that's a possibility? Because I can't imagine it, and it's making me crazy.
Darrin: Sam, I don't want you to lose everything you've gained in the last year. You're practicing the piano several hours daily to avoid being with people, you've stopped attending activities with the young women, you don't go out to lunch with friends very much, you go home instead of staying at church for Sunday School, and you've been running too much again.
Me: Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I'm not meant to be with people. I'm just meant to play the piano and run and be alone.
Darrin: You know that's not true.

LONG PAUSE

Me: Can I have some time to think about this? I'm really feeling overwhelmed.
Darrin: Yeah.