I have been reading, now, for over a year, blogs about men feeling a desperate need to connect with other men, to give and receive affection, to fall in love. I have spent one-on-one time with many of them, and they have graciously answered my questions. The reason for my interest, I suppose, is because I have never really felt those longings for anyone--or acknowledged that I felt them. I have felt attraction in its most basic form. I've had relationships and some friendships. But prior to this year, with the exception of my husband, I've been emotionally intimate with no one.

I listen as these men express longings I cannot understand. The closest feeling I've had to what they describe is when I became overwhelmed earlier this year, with the need to be held in a non-sexual way, by someone who had no attraction to me. Not the same thing by a long shot, but still, I think the longing part I may have started to understand. Those feelings have since gone away, and now when I feel emotions, they seem to last about ten or fifteen minutes, then they pass and leave me feeling a bit confused that they happened in the first place. I find myself apologizing for acting out of character, building a wall to protect the vulnerable place, and moving on with life.

I have never wanted anyone to share my life, to take care of me when I was ill (I still hate it when someone tries to empathize or help me when I'm sick), to be with me every day. The fact that Darrin is there to fill those non-existent needs is somewhat of a mystery to me. The fact that he stays, knowing I really don't want anyone, is something I understand even less. Perhaps he knows that I love him deeply, and can see beneath all the layers to the point where what I think I need is less valid than what he knows I need. And for whatever reason, he's willing to continue to give to a less than grateful recipient.

I have heard the men I've been "studying" talk about romantic love. Their definition of that phenomenon is much different from my own--which of course, isn't a real definition, but one that I twist to suit my own needs. They listen to songs and respond to the lyrics, attaching hidden meanings and hopeful dreams. I listen to songs and analyze the chord structure, admire occasional musicianship or clever wordsmithing. They dream of their "one and only", "soulmate", "perfect guy", "forever friend." I dream of sleeping, making it through another day successfully, beautiful sights, a really great practice session.

I thought that I would find some answers with the people I've come to know. Instead, I've found more questions about myself. As I've learned how to heal from my past, I'm realizing that it's not really changing who I am. I'm not more "normal". I still feel the need to isolate. I still fight against allowing people to be close to me. I still feel at peace only when I'm running alone. It seems I attached more importance to the results of abuse than I should have. The truth, I suppose, is that I'm just this way.

Sometimes, though, I would like to know how it feels to long for someone with all my soul, to view the world through "in love" eyes, to feel giddy and excited just to be with someone special. To have a heart broken because of love, not because of fear or violence, seems an experience every person should have. To feel purely, and intensely, without a surrounding cushion of numbness, practicality, and inevitability...

Love

rtI realized something about love today. I freely express love to people. I don't feel self-conscious or uncomfortable, and I don't really care if my love is returned. If I love you, I'll probably tell you whether you like it or not. And I don't have to have met you to feel love for you. I just do. It's fairly uncomplicated.

The flip side is that, while I want others to love me (I think), I'm much more comfortable when my love is not reciprocated, verbally or otherwise. I'm fine if I love people who don't know who I am and who feel nothing for me. So I've been thinking about what that means, and I think I've figured some of it out.

1. If my love is one-sided, I never have to worry about vulnerablity. I'm the one who has feelings for the other and I'm in complete control of the situation. I don't have to worry about whether or not the other person will stop loving me, because they don't in the first place.
2. I don't have to decide if I'm worth loving. The point is moot because it doesn't exist. That leaves me free to feel however I choose, without anyone else's feelings complicating the situation.
3. My independence is left intact. I don't have to work on a relationship/friendship because there is none. You can tell me not to love you, but I'll do as I please, regardless.
4. If the recipient of my love never expresses love back, I don't have to wonder if he/she really means what is expressed--or if it's just an aesthetically pleasing response.

I suppose what I've realized is that loving people with abandon, but not wanting that love returned feels natural and free to me--and it leaves me protected and in control. I like that.

Tolkien Boy might argue with me that there's no satisfaction in such relationships. Satisfaction is not what I'm looking for.

I also realized that while I feel safe and strong in this situation, when someone does express love to me, it gets into my heart and overwhelms me a bit. And while I feel exposed and scared by such feelings, I also feel sort of grateful that person cares about me, and I want that to continue.

Ick. This is such a weird post.

Tired

One of the many contributors to my decision to visit the psyche ward, was a shift in my recurrent nightmares. I've had so much success with directing my dreams, so when they changed suddenly, and without my permission, I didn't know how to proceed. My collaborator in my dream work suddenly became the person within those nightmares who was hurting me. I was distressed and frustrated. It was a huge relief when I was told that this is not an unexpected side-effect of the PTSD, and I could take steps to regain control or choose medication to suppress the dreams.

I spent many hours, one-on-one with a therapist, being instructed and planning steps to change my dreams. One of the things about which the therapist and both psychiatrists were adamant: I had to continue to develop my friendship/relationship with my dream partner, and use his help in guiding the new dream scenarios. There were two reasons for this:
1. People who have PTSD have difficulty fostering and maintaining relationships that have any degree of closeness. If I was able to recover from the feelings I'd been having which made me want to end my friendship, and continue to use that friendship to help me, I'd be on my way to growing beyond this. I'm already an anomaly, in that I've been able to maintain my marriage for many years (I blame SSA). Many people who experience PTSD have multiple marriages and sexual partners. They rarely remain in a relationship long enough to establish emotional intimacy which is vital for good emotional/mental health.
2. My collaborator already has a background helping me deal with it. It took us about three months to make everything work. To find someone else with the desire and willingness to learn about my needs and help me with them would be very difficult--and sort of stupid since it's not necessary.

So I did as I was instructed, and my friend and I have once again embarked on the dream direction journey. But I'm feeling unhappy about it all. I don't like having to rely on anyone, but if I don't do the exercises with him each night, I sincerely regret it when I fall asleep. It makes me feel inordinately dependent, and helpless.

I've been trying to alternate a couple of nights when we do the exercises together, with a couple where I do them alone. This has not been successful.

Once again, I'm getting really tired and discouraged. Honestly, I just want to sleep. I don't want to bother anyone each night, in order to get that rest. I've tried working with Darrin a bit, but he's too close to me, which probably doesn't make sense, but is true, nonetheless.

I'm going to go try this on my own, once again. Wish me luck.