Darrin Speaks

I'm a little bit preoccupied with my husband lately--as evinced by the theme of marriage insinuating itself into my more recent posts. As a rule, Darrin lives in a supporting role in my drama, and I am always the main focus. However, lately, he's been more vocal than usual about certain events that have been taking place in my life.

For example:
Darrin: I'm a little concerned that you told Therapist you're finished with counseling.
Me: Why? Don't you think I'm better? Is there something wrong? What do you see? What haven't you been telling me?

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: I'm concerned because you still aren't eating normally, and I don't want anything to happen to you.
Me: Why? What do you think could happen? What do you mean "normally"? Why are you watching my eating habits? Don't you trust me?

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: How about we discuss something else?
Me: Okay.

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: You've made some good friends lately. A couple of them have been extremely loving and helpful to you. But some of the things you said to me about them makes me think you're a little uncomfortable with the closeness of your friendship. You're getting ready to shut them off. And don't argue with me about it--I've watched you do it for a lot of years.
Me: What makes you think so? I don't notice anything different. Did you not see me talking on the phone with one of them today? Everything is fine.

LONG PAUSE

Darrin: Okay, if you say so. But I still think you're scared and getting ready to run. And I just want you to think about what your friends have done for you, what they mean to you, and how much you love them, because once you push them all away, you're a little bit difficult to live with for about two years. I'm not looking forward to that.
Me: I think you're wrong. I'm not pushing anyone away. I'm really hard to live with sometimes?

LONG PAUSE

Me: I know you're right. I just don't know what to do.
Darrin: That's why I suggested more therapy. Maybe someone can help you work through the stress you feel when you love people so much that you become afraid of them.
Me: I'm not afraid of you.
Darrin: Because you know I'm too lazy to go away. And because I have no reason to ever leave.
Me: The others will, though. All of them.
Darrin: Why do you think that?
Me: I don't know why they would ever stay. There's no reason.
Darrin: You? Maybe they'll stay because they love you?
Me: Do you really think that's a possibility? Because I can't imagine it, and it's making me crazy.
Darrin: Sam, I don't want you to lose everything you've gained in the last year. You're practicing the piano several hours daily to avoid being with people, you've stopped attending activities with the young women, you don't go out to lunch with friends very much, you go home instead of staying at church for Sunday School, and you've been running too much again.
Me: Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I'm not meant to be with people. I'm just meant to play the piano and run and be alone.
Darrin: You know that's not true.

LONG PAUSE

Me: Can I have some time to think about this? I'm really feeling overwhelmed.
Darrin: Yeah.