Marriage Commandments From My Mother

1. Never marry someone of a different race. You will end up divorced.
I actually tried to do this, just to annoy her. Darrin, my Spaniard, is as close as I could get. My maternal grandfather cornered me after I became engaged and asked me what Darrin's racial background was. I said, "He's Mexican, of course. I think that's so much better than the bastard hillbilly roots your family contributes to my bloodline." Then I walked away. My mother hurried over to her father and assured him that Darrin was not Mexican, but definitely white, and his ancestors came from Europe--and that my comments were made because I was a little stressed about the upcoming nuptuals (it's true, I was stressed about that, but I made the comment out of spite, not stress).

2. Be a stay-at-home mom (or stated differently: never work outside the home). Your husband will not love you if you don't cook and clean for him, and your children will grow up to be prostitutes and drug abusers.
I told my mother that I would probably work for the rest of my life--and that if Darrin married me so he could have a built in maid, we would definitely not stay married. We both eat--we both do dishes. We both wear clothes--we both do laundry. We both use the toilet--we both clean the bathroom. We both walk in the house--we both mop and vacuum. She assured me that wouldn't work. I promptly got a job after we were married, just to prove that it would. I also let her know that since I wasn't having children, the prostitute and drug-abuse populations would be sadly disappointed by my contributions. Now that I do have children, and work outside the home, I'll have to work on that one. Also, according to this statement, since I don't stay at home and clean for my husband, he's probably lying when he says he loves me.

3. Never get separate bank accounts. This is one of the greatest causes of divorce.
Until my mother said this, I had never before considered the evils of banking separately from my husband. However, Darrin has never been great at keeping track of money, and I've never been happy about baby-sitting adults, so we have separate bank accounts. Now, if we get a divorce, everyone will know the reason why. We have an agreement that because money seems to magically disappear when it's in my husband's possession, the paychecks come to me first--I pay all the bills and make necessary investments, and then deposit disappearable funds into Darrin's bank account. I don't ask what he does with them--and he never questions what I do with any extra money I may have, either. We do a household budget together, so that he's aware of our monthly expenditures, we save for our Christmas and travel funds, he knows we have investment accounts--although he has no interest in whether or not those are doing well. The only real problem we've encountered with our separate accounts happened this week: Our credit union issued new debit cards. Because we're signers on each other's accounts (in case of death), the CU sent us each a card for both accounts. Except for the numbers on the cards, they look identical. The CU did not designate which card was linked to which account. So now, collectively, we have four cards, but no idea to which account they belong, which, given Darrin's magical disappearing money talent, could be a disaster waiting to happen. So perhaps my mother's dark prognostications are about to find fruition.

4. You should never have to explain to your husband why you are upset at him. He should just know.
I understand that mental telepathy is something that most marriages are blessed with, but mine is not. Occasionally I fall into the trap of believing that if I know something, Darrin must, by osmosis, also know it. But this usually only happens when I get really busy. I learned from the time when Darrin and I first became friends, that if I want him to know something, I usually have to tell him. He's just not great at mind reading, especially when we're having relationship stress. However, looking comparatively at my marriage versus my parents' marriage, I would have to say that I'm much happier than either my mother or my father, and I believe that's because Darrin and I talk to each other about pretty much anything. I don't make him guess why I'm upset, or show that by slamming doors or the silent treatment. I don't drop hints, and then become frustrated because he just doesn't get it. I don't act like everything's fine when I'm sad. My mother points out that her marriage has lasted more than twice as long as mine, and I should respect that. She has a point--I am truly amazed that two people who communicate so little can actually have remained married as long as they have. Perhaps that is par for the course for heterosexual marriages (I find that possibility a bit depressing).

5. Always put your husband's needs first.
This is a lovely and romantic sentiment. I believe it's also a recipe for depression and loneliness, because if you're always putting someone's needs before your own, you're in no condition, emotionally, to cope with life's challenges. There needs to be an equitable balance of some sort. I've heard that marriage is a partnership. Most successful partnerships consist of give and take. There will be times when I need to cater to Darrin's needs, but there are also times when I need things from him. I understand the philosophy behind it--I just don't believe it's practical.

P.S. I really do love my mom. I just think she's wrong. The end.