Tired

One of the many contributors to my decision to visit the psyche ward, was a shift in my recurrent nightmares. I've had so much success with directing my dreams, so when they changed suddenly, and without my permission, I didn't know how to proceed. My collaborator in my dream work suddenly became the person within those nightmares who was hurting me. I was distressed and frustrated. It was a huge relief when I was told that this is not an unexpected side-effect of the PTSD, and I could take steps to regain control or choose medication to suppress the dreams.

I spent many hours, one-on-one with a therapist, being instructed and planning steps to change my dreams. One of the things about which the therapist and both psychiatrists were adamant: I had to continue to develop my friendship/relationship with my dream partner, and use his help in guiding the new dream scenarios. There were two reasons for this:
1. People who have PTSD have difficulty fostering and maintaining relationships that have any degree of closeness. If I was able to recover from the feelings I'd been having which made me want to end my friendship, and continue to use that friendship to help me, I'd be on my way to growing beyond this. I'm already an anomaly, in that I've been able to maintain my marriage for many years (I blame SSA). Many people who experience PTSD have multiple marriages and sexual partners. They rarely remain in a relationship long enough to establish emotional intimacy which is vital for good emotional/mental health.
2. My collaborator already has a background helping me deal with it. It took us about three months to make everything work. To find someone else with the desire and willingness to learn about my needs and help me with them would be very difficult--and sort of stupid since it's not necessary.

So I did as I was instructed, and my friend and I have once again embarked on the dream direction journey. But I'm feeling unhappy about it all. I don't like having to rely on anyone, but if I don't do the exercises with him each night, I sincerely regret it when I fall asleep. It makes me feel inordinately dependent, and helpless.

I've been trying to alternate a couple of nights when we do the exercises together, with a couple where I do them alone. This has not been successful.

Once again, I'm getting really tired and discouraged. Honestly, I just want to sleep. I don't want to bother anyone each night, in order to get that rest. I've tried working with Darrin a bit, but he's too close to me, which probably doesn't make sense, but is true, nonetheless.

I'm going to go try this on my own, once again. Wish me luck.