Progress Report

Tomorrow I see Therapist, with whom I am forever in love.

I feel that my life belongs to me once again. I've come to the end of some of the contracts I accepted so that I wouldn't have to think about anything but work--and I've not replaced them. I'm becoming integrated in Darrin's ward. I attend Sacrament Meeting in my ward, then go to his for two meetings, then back to mine to accompany the choir, thus, giving the illusion of being in two places at once (who says I'm not magic?!). I'm not spending more time with my family, but I'm with them when we're together now, mentally and emotionally.

For me, knowing things are better means not caring--and I mean that in a positive way. I don't care what's happening in my cousin's life--it belongs to him. I don't care if my mother can never see me as a daughter--I am her daughter, I will live with the situation. There are also lots of "it's okay" parts that make me feel better, as well. It's okay if I take time off work--I'll make it up--I always do. It's okay if I have trouble eating--I'll try again tomorrow. It's okay if I'm sad by myself--sometimes that happens. It's okay if friendships wane or even cease--what a blessing that they happened in the first place. And, in conjunction with that, it's okay if I miss people, even if they don't miss me. It doesn't make me weak, it just means I care about them and I wish things were different--and that's okay, too.

I mentioned my huge accomplishment (it may not have seemed huge, but it was) in being able to manage PTSD symptoms lately. Other things have happened, as well:
1. I made an appointment for a physical. I think I might be able to keep this one, but it's not for about eight weeks, so I'm a little nervous. However, that also gives me time to think of ways to talk to my doctor before the examination. I'm convinced that I need to give her the information she needs so I'm not reacting in ways she doesn't understand.
2. I talked to a new friend last night and told him my background. I rarely do that. I told him in much nicer terms than those I used with Tolkien Boy, but I remember thinking after I let Tolkien Boy know everything that had been done to me, that I would never hear from him again--and I was actually okay with that. I was very surprised when he came back to talk to me the next day. I realize now that if someone is scared off because I was mistreated as a child, that person is probably not someone I need in my life. Anyway, I didn't feel overwhelmed or frightened as I shared this information (it came up because he asked where he would find my blog--I felt a bit of background might help him decide whether or not he really wanted to visit).
3. I don't feel I need to tell my story anymore. Unfortunately, it mirrors that of too many young girls and boys and no doubt needs to be shared, but not by me. My purpose was to stop hiding from the things that had hurt me, and to allow those things to become known. I made them known online, within my family, and with a few selected friends. I will share my experiences if I feel it is appropriate, but I believe it's time for me to rest from that effort right now. My goal was to talk about it until my shame was gone, my grief was spent, and I became comfortable being the person I am--and that includes the sad parts of me, as well as the joyful ones. I have accomplished my goal. I'm okay being me.

I think I will ask to see Therapist one more time in the next couple of weeks--just to make sure everything is staying in place--and then I will begin to let go of the man I've been in love with for a couple of years. I suppose, as much as anything else, love is truly about letting go.