It is, unfortunately, how I apply it 99.9% of the time.
I'm prone to talking with God all the time. It's a habit. I'll be in the car, driving, chatting with my unseen passenger--I'm certain I look insane to anyone passing me. One would think that such constant dialogue would foster a close, intimate relationship with deity, and of course, it would if there were dialogue instead of lecturing.
A typical conversation between God and me goes something like this:
Me: So, I've been thinking about a problem--you know, that "study it out in your mind" thing, which by the way, is a great suggestion but rather ponderous and really does seem to take an inordinate amount of time. Not that I'm complaining...well, yeah, I'm complaining. It just seems that there could be a more efficient way to find solutions, but after all, you are God, so I'll just assume you know best and move on.
After studying it out for an inordinate amount of time (only complaining a little bit right now, just want to make that clear), I believe I've formed a viable solution. I plan to do A, B, and C. I think this will ease a lot of the difficulty and get things back on track. What I'd like from you is X, because I think that will make my friend/family member/church leader/colleague/whatever more cooperative, and I'd also like you to do Y because, well, it's really not something I can do on my own, and it would be very nice if you could also do Z because it would just make me and everyone else I know very happy.
The end.
Oh, sorry, forgot who I was talking to. That's not how I'm supposed to end our conversations. How rude of me...
Notice my really awesome delegation skills. And you can count on it--I will definitely follow up to make sure the Lord does his assignments...and he usually doesn't...
"Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings..."
During the .1% of the times when I remember the correct words of that scripture, I'm amazed at the difference in my communications with God.
Me: It's not working...the thing I thought I'd figured out. I know why--you told me why--I just didn't want to listen. Your way seems...I don't know...it makes me feel helpless, dependent, not in control...
But it does seem that most of our instruction from the Lord comes with a promise:
"Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings and he will direct thee for good."
Me: Oh yeah. I forgot. You're in control. You're the director. You'll tell me what's good, what's best--then you let me decide if I'll do that. But may I just say that it's a whole lot easier to take direction when I don't have so much messing up my life? I get distracted. I forget the "for good" part. It just feels that no matter what I choose, I lose something. I know that's not true, but it feels that way.
For the past three years I've been working on therapeutic ways to work through past experiences of trauma. It's been difficult to allow the Lord to direct my path. In those past experiences I felt that I had no control. As I work with my therapist to find peace, relinquishing control to the Lord feels out of the question. I believe there are similar instances in the lives of many people, where letting the Lord guide out paths leaves us feeling unacceptably vulnerable and weak.
Me: So, I understand that you know me better than I know myself. And I know you love me (tell me again that you love me? please?), and want what's best for me. But I'm really afraid. And I want to do this by myself. And I know if I do things your way, the outcome--even if it's the best outcome--won't be what I expected or wanted.
"...blessed are those who...lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more..."
It takes so much faith and trust to release all that we cling to and acknowledge that the Lord loves us and will do what is best for us, to help us grow into the people we have the potential to become. And I'm so bad at trusting, and I'm not sure that my faith is ever at its optimal limit.
Me: Okay. I'll try this trust thing. You know, of course, that I'll probably fail about a million times before I get it right. You understand that I've never really learned how to trust. Please don't let me down...
And He doesn't. Not ever. Often his path is not of my choosing. Okay, most of the time it's not. It's also fairly uncomfortable and reduces me to frustrated tears. But I'm never alone. And I cannot deny the peace which salves my aching soul as I stretch to become that which my Father would have me be.
Me: I guess I was wrong. I wasn't supposed to do A, B, or C. It was good that you suggested M, Q, and W. They really were better. And it's okay that you didn't do X, Y, or Z. Well, I suppose I'm a little disappointed that you didn't do Y. Yeah...I think I'm still holding out for that. Maybe next time?
Oh, and by the way, I love you. A lot.
Interesting. I'm the exact opposite. When I get frustrated and shut down, I want the Lord to tell me exactly what to do. I don't trust myself to make even the smallest decsion---especially decisions about coping with my gender issues. I feel like if He'll just lay out a step-by-step plan for me, I'd follow the steps. But same as you, I need to stretch. When I use my mind and try to figure things out myself, I find myself growing. And then when I look back, I see that the Spirit has been nudging me gently in the right direction the whole way.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing, Samantha. No matter how bizarre the things I say are, I never feel judged by you. I think I make a lot of people uncomfortable, but you don't seem to be.
No. You don't make me uncomfortable. The world is full of people and no one is like another. We're all in this together--and you have something beautiful that no one else can contribute. How can I possibly waste time wondering if you're weird when I'm marveling at the perspectives and ideas you present.
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad you're here.