It has taken what feels like an eternity to get to this place. And today has been a very long day.

I confessed to Therapist my blog love affair with him. He laughed. Apparently, he understands that I fall in love with most everyone. Perhaps he would have felt left out if I'd failed to include him.

Therapist told me I need to acknowledge how much work I've done in a very short time. It doesn't feel short. He said most of his clients with similar backgrounds take several years to come close--some don't get there at all. He attributes this "speed" of mine to my rather insane motivation to research anything and everything, and my willingness to take risks. Interesting. I don't see myself as a risk taker. Most of what I do is well-planned and calculated. He says that doesn't nullify the fact that it simply becomes a well-planned, calculated risk. 

I want to talk about the things happening inside me--I'm not sure I know how. When I finally admitted to Therapist that I understood the need to love myself, when I stopped letting fear block me, it felt as though this is something I've been waiting to do for a long time. It still hurts dreadfully, but in a way that feels as though there will someday be an easing of pain. 

There is a gnawing need to honor the young girl I was. I don't hate her anymore. I asked too much of her. I realize in some way I wanted her to save me. I understand how crazy that sounds, but it boils down to the fact that for most of my life I blamed myself to not stopping the acts which harmed me, without acknowledging that it was beyond my power to do so. As I accept this (and it has taken nearly four years for me to begin to do so), I understand that most of what I did as a young teen--the things for which I have felt shame and helplessness, even guilt--were actually the only ways I could find to cope with a situation completely beyond my control. Yes, I spent some time harming myself. During that time, it was the only thing my overwhelmed mind could conceive of to find some immediate relief. That same acceptance reaches other behaviors and impulses I indulged in. My maturity was interrupted and I was thrust into adulthood when I was not quite twelve. I don't believe I should feel guilt or shame for the resulting reactions I chose. They were, after all, the only things I had at my disposal. And they are no longer a part of my life.

Samantha Stevens was not a coward. Rape and abuse are moments of horror. The real damage, for me, occurred in my realization that I must deal with the misery of my life alone. And for all my life that has been my method of dealing with any challenge. I have done so alone--always. Until now. Finally. I'm understanding that the feelings I have as I help others, feelings of love and gratitude that they would allow me to be involved as they work through difficult challenges, can be felt by others toward me as I confront my own demons. It's still difficult not to feel I'm asking too much, but at least I'm asking.

Samantha Stevens was not weak. It takes enormous effort to continue living when one has been damaged in nearly every possible way. It takes greater effort to thrive. And I did--I still do. I have benefited from her grit and determination every day of my life. It was she who determined that failure was not an option, she who took each setback, learned from it, and continued forward regardless of loneliness and pain. I once told Sully if you look at my life, it could easily have many perceived points of failure--but because of who I am, each failure has simply become a curve in the path as I have taken note of my surroundings and walked a different direction until I found that which I was searching for. I cannot say I have succeeded yet--I still have many years to live. I can say I will never stop searching, learning, and growing. I owe that to the person who emerged from a painful existence with the determination to live.

Samantha Stevens was not tainted, ugly, diseased, or broken. Association with her then or now is not something from which I must protect the people I love. Samantha Stevens found beauty and peace even when her nights were a constant nightmare, even when she had to protect herself from those who should have been her protectors. She sought out places of safety where she could rest and regroup. She found solace in music, fresh air, flowers, butterflies and blue skies. She revered life as she recognize that her own was tenuous. She searched for truth. For a long time she stopped believing in love, faith, trust, and happiness. I can help her now. Because of the gifts she gave to me, I have found the courage to recognize love, exercise faith and trust, and enjoy happiness. Because she is me, I will give those things back to her. 

I love Samantha Stevens. Finally, without fear or condition, I have learned to love her. It has taken a very long time. Darrin loved her first and has never ceased loving her. DJ, Adam, and Tabitha have loved her their entire lives. Newer friends who have entered my life, heard my story, and spent time with me, have proved their love for her in various ways. I have learned from them. And I have finally listened to the message of love my Heavenly Father has never stopped sending me. As all these have shown me love, I have learned to love myself.

In the process of releasing the pain and bitterness I have clung to for most of my life, I have asked the people closest to me for a promise--and they have given it. The fact that I could ask proves I have finally learned to trust in others. The fact that they would make the promise proves to me, after all is said and done, real love truly does exist, and I have been its recipient. Tonight, with all my heart, I believe in miracles.