Two Things

In the process of writing my blogs, there have been questions asked of me for which I've had no answers, and comments made which I have ignored. But I haven't forgotten some of them for the simple reason that they have relevance--and I wished to address them but for whatever reason, at the time I could not. Today, though, I've reached some conclusions about a few of those questions/comments, and because I still wish to address them, I will.

1. Prior to my lunch with my cousin David, someone told me that she saw no purpose in my meeting with him unless I was planning to confront him. She went on to say that she thought it was a wonderful opportunity for me to leave some of the anger he had earned in its proper place and hoped I would not pass up the opportunity to let off some steam. When she learned that was not what I had done, she was disappointed and let me know she felt I had made an incorrect choice. 

At the time I had no answers for her--and truly, what she thought of me had little impact on my decision to treat the visit as I did. Nonetheless, the comment she made has been on my mind lately and I believe I understand how to address it, finally.

The truth is that I wanted complete control. David had no idea why I contacted him. He has no knowledge of the things I've been doing therapeutically and emotionally--and that is exactly how I wish the situation to stay. Had I confronted him, he would then have the opportunity to contact mutual family members to tell his side of the story. I have no doubt that he would look like an idiot--I was, after all, not quite twelve years old--but the resulting uproar is not something I wish to deal with. People would choose sides, debate what really happened, call on me to talk when I might wish to remain silent, and in short, any control over the situation I now enjoy would be taken from me. 

Right or wrong, it was my decision simply to meet the man who raped me, put a face on him, and overcome my unreasonable fear. It turned out that this set in motion a chain of events which have led to greater healing--events I had not foreseen--and I don't believe this would have happened had I chosen to confront rather than simply meet my cousin.

2. I've received more than one email expressing confusion or disapproval about my friendships with men. Some concerned individuals have felt great sympathy for my poor husband, as they assume he is left out of my life while I turn to other men to take his place. I chose not to address this at the time for the simple reason that I felt it was no one's business but my own (and Darrin's), and because I knew they had only the information on my blog with which to make their judgments--and that is incomplete and based simply on that which I choose to write. 

However, I will address this tonight because the discomfort some dear readers have felt does not seem to have eased with the years, and despite my joy in allowing others to assume the worst, it's probably time to tell the whole truth. 

Darrin is left out of nothing. He is my best friend, and the one I tell everything. There are times when I wait to tell him things because he is often gone, he carries a great load of responsibility as a bishop, and sometimes he's just asleep. But there is no dearth of communication, nor do I seek to replace him in any way. There are times when he does not accompany me on my excursions to seek out my past or to my therapy appointments. He would come if he could. We both know this. There have also been times when he has been too emotionally involved to be with me--his emotions overshadow my own. He is sweet enough to recognize when this is happening and allow me space, or suggest I find someone to talk to who isn't quite as angry about the situation and can act more rationally than he is able. He is, in this case, utterly unselfish and I adore him for that.

Yes, I have many friends who are men. I also have many friends who are women. I am closer to my male friends than to my female friends. There are many reasons for this--but please put your minds at ease--it's pretty much impossible for anything untoward to happen between us. I suppose it's no secret that spending alone time with women is much more risky for me than spending alone time with men. And the fact that the men I choose are almost always gay decreases any risk to my virtue by about 99.9% (the remaining .1% is left there simply to annoy anyone reading this who might have doubts about what I'm saying). And yes, I have been alone in cars, hotel rooms, and restaurants with those male friends of mine (someone please fan the nearest sensitive lady or man).

There's something else about which my email policepeople my be unaware. As I have recently explained this to a friend of mine, I will share it here, too.

In the process of living through the sexual trauma I experienced, I lost the ability to feel spontaneous attraction--at all. I don't feel it for men, nor for women. When I allowed myself to relax enough to think about sexual intimacy as a youth and young adult, always my partner in my head was a woman. Now, of course, I have substituted Darrin into every sexual thought I consciously encounter. It's rare for me to have unconscious sexual thoughts--ever. If I do, once again they are slanted toward a female until I recognize what's happening and allow them to move back to my husband.

I suppose that's why I contend that feeling attraction to my friends is not a possibility with me. In theory there are no impossibilities--but in fact, for me, this truly is not possible. They aren't female, so no random thoughts would sway in that direction. They aren't Darrin, so no conscious thoughts about them would be directed sexually. Add to that the components of our massive age differences and their own sexual preferences, and truly, the only possible conclusion is impossibility. I think there is a part of me that wishes I knew how to feel the way my emailers believe is inevitable. And there is also a larger part, very relieved that I cannot.

Yes, I understand that I'm not avoiding the very appearance of evil. And while I appreciate that I'm not setting a good example to all the little children who read my blog and wish to be like me (I'm sure there are scores of them--and yes, I made the "children" part up--my emailers are much too intelligent to believe people let their children read the scary stuff I put on my blog)...

Seriously, emailers, I don't understand what your point is. If Christ showed up at the hotel when I was alone with one of my friends (because that is definitely the first stop on his list when He comes again--I remember that from the song--"I wonder when he comes again...to the hotel...where Sam is alone with a boy..." or maybe that's not quite how the song goes...refresh my memory?), we'd invite him to join us. I'm certain both of us have many questions for him, and we like him so very much. I can't think of anything more delightful. Of course, rumor has it that Christ is heterosexual so I might have to be careful.... ( I know...sacrilige...but no more extreme than the things the emailers suggest might happen)

Basically, here's what I'd like to say to end this one-sided discussion. What I do in my own time is my business. If you choose to read something into the fact that two opposite sex homosexual people enjoy spending time together--that is not only your problem, it's very confusing and I have no idea how your brain works in reality if your odd fantasy makes any sense at all to you. But let me help you out with this: Homosexual people don't want to have sex with people of the opposite gender. They don't feel attracted to them. They could shower together and not feel anything (but they wouldn't because it would make them both shudder and besides, it would be too crowded). 

Have you ever noticed how, when I try to answer these types of questions seriously and treat them with dignity, I invariably end up saying something extreme by the end of my tirade? I hope I didn't disappoint this time. I was showing restraint.