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Friday, January 2, 2009

Odd Conversation

(Note: This chat has been altered to include vowels, punctuation, and complete sentences on behalf of the chat person. It has not been altered for content. u hv bn wrnd )

Chat Person: You're not a lesbian.
me: No?
Chat Person: You're married to a guy, you have kids with him, you have sex with a guy on a regular basis. You're not a lesbian.
me: Well, I suppose if that's the definition of a not-lesbian, then I must be one.
Chat Person: I'm not being rude. Just real.
me: I'm all about honesty. Thank you.
Chat Person: You still think you're a lesbian.
me: I believe I'll keep my thoughts to myself.
Chat Person: Why do you think you're a lesbian?
me: I'm fairly certain I said I'll be keeping my thoughts to myself.
Chat Person: Why don't you want to answer my question?
me: It seems that you've already decided the answer to your question. Anything I say will be subject to debate. I finished with that long ago. I only answer questions when I know the person cares about my opinion. You don't.
Chat Person: You're pissed.
me: I rarely get mad at anyone. I'm not mad, just logical. I don't enter into a battle I have no chance of winning.
Chat Person: Okay. I was rude.
me: Yes.
Chat Person: So, I want to know why you say you're a lesbian when everything in your life says you're not.
me: Perhaps we could talk about the economy. Or...have you noticed how much snow fell in Utah last week? could tell me about your family--do you have siblings?
Chat Person: No. I just want to talk about why you think you're a lesbian.
me: You're quite tenacious.
Chat Person: What's tenacious?
me: Never mind. I honestly don't want to answer your question because I don't think you can understand.
Chat Person: I'm not dumb, you know.
me: It's not about dumb. It's about seeing another person's point of view.
Chat Person: Okay. I'll try.
me: I think I need to go now.
Chat Person: You're going to block me, aren't you.
me: Probably.
Chat Person: You keep talking on your blog about how you're trying to get better from being raped. I think the real problem is you think you're gay and you're not.
me: You know best, I'm sure.
Chat Person: Most of the stuff that bugs you is because you're not honest about who you really are.
me: No doubt you are quite correct.
Chat Person: You know who you are?
me: Most of the time, yes.
Chat Person: You're like a real mormon person. You just don't want to admit it.
me: I have no idea what that means, and I really dislike being rude, but I find you overbearing and opinionated and I'm tired of you. Good night.

I honestly never thought I would have such a conversation. I don't know whether to laugh or be sad about it. However, the truth is, in about two weeks it will never enter my mind again. It's remarkable only because it's obnoxious. 

On the off-chance, though, that Chat Person decides he can actually read, here is the answer to his question:

I consider myself gay/lesbian/ssa/homosexual/whatever because if I walk into a room full of people, the only ones I'll remember are the women. As a general rule, it takes me about a year of regular interaction with a man to actually recognize that he has a face, let alone other parts. Which doesn't mean I don't have friendships with men, I simply don't view them as sexual entities. If I find myself feeling attraction to a person, without question it will be a woman. 

I have, even quite recently, had full body contact (clothed) with a man-not-Darrin. It was very nice. I'll probably do it again. It will never be more than very nice. I don't have the hormonal inclination to make it more--nor does he or any other man-not-Darrin with whom I would allow such contact.

As I am married to Darrin, I will not have full body contact with women. My hormones would very much like to make more of that situation, and I will not allow them to do so. I hug women I care about. I sit beside them. If I trust them and am not attracted to them, I allow girl-touch (although this is a fairly new development). It is all very innocent and within the boundaries acceptable to Darrin.

I have sex with my husband. Probably it's a little more complicated than that which a heterosexual couple might experience. I have to concentrate, think about the deep love I have for my husband, remind myself that this is an expression of love completely unrelated to the abuses I experiences a long time ago, remember that his body is a part of what makes him special to me, and stay entirely in the moment. The pay-off is completely worth it--and I'm not talking about orgasm. I'm talking about becoming one with a person I love with all my soul, trusting him as I trust no one else, allowing him to love me in a way only the two of us share. I'm talking about leaving behind natural impulses to be with the person I have chosen, forming a bond with him physically and emotionally, expressing my love for him in a way that will bring him pleasure and joy--because I want to.

I am not, nor have I ever been physically attracted to men in the ways I have heard described by other women. I have experienced emotional attraction and attachment which is the avenue I have used to become physically intimate with my husband. And quite honestly, should I ever choose to become intimate with another man, using that same venue, I could. I won't, obviously. It's a lot of work, and I have my chosen mate, so why would I?

If, Chat Person, in your opinion that makes me a not-lesbian, I will be the last person to argue with you. It might have something to do with the fact that I've blocked you, as you said I would. After all, in the words of my good friend Shakespeare (yes, I'm that old), "The better part of valor is discretion..."


  1. How insightful. If only I had a few of these people around to explain my life for me.

    I can't believe how frequently you get this sort of thing from people.

  2. Well, after all, my blog is public. I suppose some people just like to talk. However, I rarely allow them to chat with me, and I won't make the same mistake again.

    I hope you're willing to take up all the extra time left now that Chat Person is gone.


  3. Yay! You're the first un-lesbian I've ever met!

    Seriously, though, it shows just how different your perspectives are.


  4. Some people can be so ignorant. Sex & sexuality is about more than just your orientation. It's about the emotional connection. Someone who acts like that is not even worth a reply. How insulting. She obviously knows nothing about life.

    After reading your posts, I have the utmost respect for you and your family. You are one in a million.

  5. Ha, I don't think I read this the first time around. Love it. And I say laugh about it. And good call on recognizing where a debate is probably futile. I sometimes try to get through to someone who never seems to truly absorb what I say longer than a minute at a seems pretty useless, but I still try now and then, when I have the energy to do so. I wonder when I'll give up on those types and realize there ain't no purpose? :-)