Therapist says it would be unnatural for me not to have bad days sometimes. Today is a bad day.
Therapist says having bad days does not make me a bad person. I'm having a difficult time believing that one.
Tabitha is having a bad day in a string of bad days. The decision of whether or not to pursue any kind of action regarding my brother's molestation of Tabitha has been left to her. This is a no-win situation. If Tabitha chooses to let the matter rest, she wonders whether there are other children who have been treated as she was--whether my brother molests his own children. She wonders if she has a responsibility to take some sort of action to protect others from her uncle. And she feels unsafe still.
If she presses charges, Tabitha will deal with members of my family who are not known for being understanding or neutral. There will be a great deal of talk and probably some recruiting. She will be accused of lying. Tabitha wonders if it's worth the probable negativity. She wonders if she's strong enough to hear what will be said about her. She wonders who will love her when the dust settles.
This is not a decision a 17-year-old should have to make. And I cannot help her.
I keep thinking things will get better, and probably they already have, I'm just distracted by what is happening now. I keep thinking that someday I'll be able to laugh again, that I won't be cold all the time, that I won't feel the impulse to tell people I love to run away before whatever it is that has me trapped in sadness pulls them in, as well.
Therapist says I need to spend time with people. He says I'll feel better, less alone, more supported. I asked him, if he were experiencing what I am, if he'd be willing to seek out people and spend time with them. Therapist told me that if he had experienced what I've been through in the last 18 months, he's pretty sure he'd have been hospitalized at least once and he's not sure he would be functional anymore. I told him that's not helpful. No, he said, but it's honest. He told me I am very strong. I told him I'm so very tired of being strong.
And now I have to go to the store. We need eggs.