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Friday, January 4, 2013

This afternoon I experienced my first "alone time" in three weeks. For someone like me, that's an eternity.

I've been thinking a lot. I'm tired of being beaten down. And while I'm not saying my life is more difficult than any other, I'm tired.

My brother called me tonight. I believe it's been about three years since he's spoken to me. I couldn't help feeling the irony as I gave one of my dessert recipes to the brother who molested my daughter. My life seems sick and wrong and I can't help but feel that it permeates my soul.

Is this how life is supposed to be?

I cannot remember a time in my life when I have not longed for beauty. I wanted to have it in my life and I wanted to reflect it back to every person I met. It felt as necessary to my well-being as breathing. Now I'm struggling to find it.

I would like to give up. I feel useless and unnecessary. It would be nice to stop hurting for awhile.

However, it is not in my nature to stop trying.

And so I will continue to remember moments that make me who I am...

-singing "The Wheels on the Bus" with my two-year-old nephew
-shopping for blueberries with my niece
-giggling with Tabitha
-walking in the sunshine filled air, laden with sparkling crystals--as if I live in a recently shaken snow globe
-smiling at strangers
-waiting for friends to interrupt my work so we can chat online
-beginning each morning and ending each day with family prayer
-making music
-laughing at nothing just because I want to laugh
-remembering treasured moments with people I love
-being startled by my ringtone because even though I love hearing Cookie Monster sing his song, when it comes out of nowhere and I'm alone, it's a little bit scary
-watching each sunrise and sunset and wishing I could package the moment and send it to someone who would love to share it with me
-dancing in my kitchen
-singing random songs
-watching very old movies
-smelling the roses in the floral department
-dreaming of spring
-lying in a patch of sunshine on my living room floor
-reading a very good book
-wishing for hugs from people I love
-searching for my Wonder Woman boots...

For now, this is enough.

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