Moving On

I have difficulty with this. I get caught up in moments and pictures and feelings and people. Therapist says it has to do with dissociation. People who move forward, or "move on" in a healthy way are able to process events, feelings, and experiences, grieve when necessary, let go, and look forward to future events. My habit has been simply to cut off and leave behind when circumstances have required me to release a person or period of life.

The problem with such a habit is that I delude myself that events did not happen or a person ceases to exist. Therapist says we need memories. They help us learn. They define who we are and what we believe. They provide closure and nostalgia, both of which bring us peace. They catapult us into the next "thing" and help us feel anticipation for future events. They are a frame of reference we need in order to cope socially and emotionally.

I notice people doing that "move on" thing all the time. And if I'm honest, I don't understand it. In my muddled brain, they're losing something valuable, something that should be nourished and kept close. I have no idea what it is that constitutes the loss, nor what I think they ought to be keeping vital and fresh in their lives. I'm just talking about what my feelings communicate.

Therapist says I feel exaggerated pain in circumstances that might cause another person to feel mild discomfort. I don't possess the necessary background and coping tools most people learn in childhood. However, I'm also savvy enough to recognize that my feelings do not align with the norm, I understand that makes people feel uncomfortable, and so I mask or discard those feelings rather than honoring them and working through them.

While I understand Therapist's words, and I know they are supposed to be helpful, inside me I feel this simply confirms one more way I fail at life. That doesn't mean I'll give up, nor does it mean I'm pouting. I guess I'm just tired of trying to accommodate social norms. And sometimes I think it should be okay if I have a temper tantrum when relationships go awry, or I feel abandoned or betrayed. I try to convince myself that I don't really care if my feelings or behaviors make others uncomfortable and I fantasize that there is someone in the world who will take me as I am, not be weirded out if I love deeply, speak honestly about what I feel (even when it's completely out of whack), sometimes become insecure, wish for frequent hugs, and scream when I'm frustrated.

Conforming does not come easily to me.

And since I can't seem to resolve this issue right this moment, I'm going to say this: I don't care if you think I'm odd or maladjusted or a freak of nature. I'm pretty sure you can't play Chopin like I can.

The End.