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Monday, September 2, 2013

"Love is...finding one who is willing to hold your hand no matter how unfit it might be." ~Nishan Panwar

Depression continues strongly. I'm now in the place where I no longer care about anything for a moment, then I wallow in self-pity--wishing someone cared, and follow everything up by at least one very large panic attack.

Do I know the self-pity feelings are silly and false? Yes.
Does that make them less real? No.

It won't last. Therapist promised me it won't last.

Still, the worst part often seems to be what happens as the depression cycle approaches an ending. I'm tired now. I'm not good at redirecting myself. I vacillate between feeling like I might die inside if someone doesn't check in with me--see if I'm okay--tell me I'm loved--and telling myself to stop being an idiot and contact someone myself. In the end I don't do anything. It takes too much effort and I'm pretty sure if I'm the one contacting someone else, I'll spend the next five days castigating myself for bothering someone.

It's a problem.

I keep reminding myself that anything causing me pain is temporary and fictional.

I think, though, of people I know who have depression regularly; the ones who feel little excitement for life, who cannot enjoy beauty, who ache beyond crying. As I enter the landscape they frequent, I can't decide if the numbness is a relief. It might be--but that's irrelevant as there is little I can do about it.

I have a calendar. It has reminders of my schedule for the next month. I will be told where to go and what to do--and I will do it. And at some point, my system will stop being messed up by a drug that mended my reaction to a flu shot.

Therapist will check in with me tomorrow. He will ask me how I'm feeling and listen to my reply. He will remind me of the things I need to do to make it through this, and remind Darrin of danger signs to watch for. He will tell me I can do this and he believes it will not be much longer, then remind me it's okay if I have to get help from others.

And Therapist will check in with me the day after tomorrow...and the next day...and the next...

What would I do without Therapist? Does he check in because I pay him to do so? I'm not sure how I feel about that: I have to pay someone to care about me?


I'm not thinking about that. I accept what IS right now. The fact that I have to pay someone to check on me does not negate the fact that he DOES it. And I need to be checked on. So everything is great.

See? That would be a self-pity wallow. Hold on tight; the panic is about to set in.


  1. Thank you for taking the time to chat with me over the weekend, even though you're dealing with depression and are also quite busy. It means a lot to me, as do you.

  2. I'm so sorry you were having this rough time. Depression is the worst thing. It is such a liar. I hope you are feeling better today than you were on this day.