At the risk of perpetuating the rumor that my blog is whiny, I need to write this post.
I am experiencing overwhelming, immobilising depression.
I know. Go get help. Take medicine. Fix it.
Except my body doesn't respond to antidepressants as it should. They serve to make me more deeply depressed and suicidal.
And I've been trying to get help. Therapist knows and I'll be seeing him this weekend. And I told another person because that's what you're supposed to do, right? And he'll check in with me periodically.
Time will fix it. I'm not clinically depressed, and I'm fairly certain this is the end result of taking a drug designed to make my blood pressure stop bouncing around, but which also had unfortunate side-effects for me.
In the meantime, I'm embarrassed that I feel sad for no reason, that doing anything requires incredible effort, and that I told anyone in the first place. I mean--this is just something I have to wait out. When my body has worked through it, I'll be back to normal. But I told people because right now waiting seems impossible and there are tiny moments when I feel I would do anything to make the sadness stop. That's a danger sign, I'm told, and I want to be responsible.
Still, I can't stop feeling that I should be able to DO something. How long have I been in therapy? Have I learned nothing? Why can't I make this stop?
Except, it's not really something you can just turn off. And what I really want to do is cry for a long time.
Instead, I've been cleaning, and working, and smiling, and pretending--because honestly, most people don't really want to deal with someone who is depressed, can't take standard meds for it, and has to just wait it out. Let's face it--that's depressing.
I find myself hiding from people, planning things we can do AFTER, when the depression is gone and I don't have to feel mortified by the fact that I might start crying at any moment.
But the truth is: I'm okay. I have moments when I don't feel okay, when my thoughts feel desperate and scary, but I'm not at the mercy of my thoughts. Right now I'm choosing to ignore them. I think that's what will continue to happen until my system is back to normal.
Still, I really want this depression to go away. I have things to do, and it's really bugging me .