It's getting too cold to run outside in the mornings. I'm toying with the idea of a morning gym visit (weights and treadmill) and a short evening run, just to get some outdoor time every day. The air is amazing this time of year, filled with the smell of late autumn flowers and fallen leaves. I need to be in it.
About two months after my hip replacement in February, I found myself feeling hopeful, looking forward to the future, planning things I wished to do. Probably it was because the pain of deteriorating bone was gone and I felt better, even if I was really tired. Being hopeful is a good place to be.
Last week I realized I had lost much of that feeling. I had mentally and emotionally canceled plans for friend visits and online time. My bucket list became nonexistent. The birthday party I had been thinking of throwing for myself next year was no longer a possibility.
Still, I'm giving myself props for going there in the first place. Especially when it comes to the birthday thing. The fact that I even considered it is sort of amazing.
Tabitha is unhappy with me. She asked me what I'll do if I stop dreaming. It's a good question. But I have a lot of books to read and endless music to memorize. And I'm going to admit that I'm going through something very emotionally painful right now. I believe in a month or so it will feel a little better. I think I'll feel hopeful again when that happens. Maybe I'll make a new bucket list.
In the meantime, I think it's okay to pull back. I've been reaching out a little bit, but some of my attempts have been ignored to the point that probably I need to admit that I've gotten the message and just stop. I don't want to. I want to believe that it's always okay for me to contact someone I love, but the realist in me understands that that's not the truth. Sometimes it's not okay.
So I'm finding different venues to channel the things that make me sad. Some of them are less healthy than others. I'm human. Sometimes I do stupid things. Life is not always perfect and I am doing the best I can.