Could I be you?

Something is wrong with the sum of us
That I can't seem to erase

I'm trying. Each day I move closer to coming to terms with the things I've experienced. Each night I'm reminded I have more work to do.

How can I be the only one
Without a smile on my face

Except--I am smiling--I always smile. But not inside. In that place I'm screaming and I don't know how to let it out.

Well now, you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

Please? Just for a night. Tomorrow I'll be me again, but maybe I could have just one night of rest.

You show your pain like it really hurts
And I can't even start to feel mine

Because every time I try, it overwhelms me. I can't ignore it any longer, but I'm too afraid to allow myself to feel anything right now. For awhile I was doing well with this, but then it became too much, and I'm right back where I started from. I'm beginning to realize this will never end--and that someday I'm going to have to figure this out.

Well, I'm standing in place
With my head first and I shake, I shake

Because it seems too much for one person to do. Because I don't think I'm strong enough to live with the aftermath of someone else's choices and actions. Because deep down, the authentic me never made it beyond the horrifically frightened eleven-year-old who is still wondering what the hell happened.

I see your progress stretched out for miles and miles

Forgive me for being envious. Forgive me for wishing to be more like you. Forgive me for feeling helpless and discouraged.

You're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive, yeah

I want to do that.

And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

Just tonight. That's all. No nightmares. No sadness.

This is the sound that I make
These are the words I chose

I don't know what I really want to say. I'm trying to understand everything, myself, still. I'm starting to believe I'll never really know what it is I mean.

Somehow the right thing to say
Just won't come out
Just won't come out

I'm just tired, I guess. It's difficult to be articulate when one isn't sleeping well.

And you're laughing out loud
At the thought of being alive

And I have to say, it gives me hope to see you happy. That stupid optimist inside keeps telling me that someday I'll feel the same way--I just have to keep moving forward. Your laughter brings me joy. In spite of everything, I laugh with you.

And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight

Just for one night. One night of restful, recuperative sleep. One night of no fear. One night when I'm not abused and left alone. One night when I can just rest. Please?

*Thanks to Matchbox 20 for their lyrics, and for keeping me company last night.

Time Out

Today I have a day off. I have decided not to do that again. It's just much better to always be doing something, because for some reason, today I'm sad.

However, it's the first day in nearly a week that I've felt that--which is vast improvement considering it's something I used to deal with daily.

So maybe it's okay to be sad sometimes. Perhaps it's good that I took a day off to think about this. It doesn't feel paralyzing or demoralizing. It's just me, remembering that occasionally life has down times and tomorrow will be better.

The purpose of this blog is not to continue to belabor the problems in my past. I suppose, though that if they happen to catch up with me once in awhile, I can leave them here. I hope that's all right.