A friend told me yesterday that it has been agonizing to watch me claw my way through all the conflicting emotions I feel. She said she can tell when I'm overwhelmed by them. She said she wishes she could help. I have never confided in her about what I feel, and I've told her very little about the things that have been happening in my life over the past 18 months. I was sort of offended that she would make a personal comment like that when I have never invited her to be a part of my life. I was also a little bit gratified that she cared enough to notice--more conflict.
I recognized, about three months ago, that I was experiencing less clarity of thought, decreased ability to make decisions about my emotional needs, and huge conflict in my feelings and desires. It was, and is, not unusual for me to feel simultaneously the need to be held and comforted along with an extreme desire to be left alone. I'm dying for help from someone--anyone--and more than likely I'll end up slapping away any metaphorically outstretched hand. "Agonizing to watch..." said my friend...imagine how it feels.
I'm trying to understand why this is happening. I know it's not emotionally healthy for me to say, "Please care about me deeply, and then go away and leave me alone." I've allowed more emotional intimacy with more people this year than ever before in my life--not just virtually, but also in person. I've allowed physical touch from people other than my husband--not just quick hug-and-step-away stuff--but real, honest, communicative touch. I've even allowed hand touching for longer than a Mormon handshake, with one person. And what my therapist(s) have told me is true--there is greater communication when people touch while talking. It's not that I've never touched people before, I've just never allowed them to touch me.
So now I'm trying to process all this emotional intimacy/non-sexual physical touch stuff, and it's messing me up inside. For whatever reason, it seems impossible for me to just accept that certain things are. I have to know why, what it means to me, personally, and how I will use it in my life. So I've been digging around, trying to figure things out and I've come up with exactly zero answers.
In the meantime, I believe I've been taking my frustration out on my friends. So I'm going to explain my feelings--and then, if you're one of those lucky people, you'll know why I'm acting like a crazy person:
1. I feel that for the first time in my life, I actually need other people.
2. There are specific needs I have for each person in my life. These may include needing to feel loved, accepted, respected. They may even include a desire to be hugged or held. I have not felt these needs since I was in my early teens. To have them return now is disconcerting.
3. I feel horribly guilty that I need these things. I want to be able to accept any friendship offered and just float along until we get bored of one another. I don't want to muddy the waters by "needing" anything--especially when that might make the other person uneasy or uncomfortable. I also feel that there's something wrong with me because I want something, emotionally, from a friend.
4. In the midst of all this, I feel an extreme need to be independent. If someone offers to help, I'll probably say no--even though I'm dying to say yes.
5. Because of all the guilt, neediness, and assertive independence, I feel a compelling need to isolate myself--perhaps on a desert island until I die.
After reviewing all the evidence above, I have come to the only possible conclusion. In spite of the chronological and physical data to the contrary, I have just turned three years old. There is no other explanation for my behavior and feelings. And don't argue with me about this...three-year-olds hate to be wrong.
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Things to do in lieu of sleep
1. Fold laundry. This is a quiet activity that will disturb no one.
2. Blog. Be aware that all blog entries written after 3:00 a.m. will sound slightly insane.
3. Go jogging.
4. Take a drive. This is especially fun after 1:00 a.m. because all the stop lights become blinking yellows.
5. Contemplate doorbell ditching the entire neighborhood. Then recall that you're no longer a teenager and the neighbors are less likely to laugh than to call the police.
6. Lay in the grass and stargaze. Think about how the stars would look if arranged in symmetrical stripe patterns across the sky.
7. Wish there was someone to talk to. Talk to self, instead. DO NOT CHAT. Anyone awake at this hour will be going to bed soon, which you will find terribly depressing.
8. Tell self a fun story. Enjoy one's creativity and cleverness. Remember that the story will be much less entertaining to people who actually sleep.
9. Tell self funny jokes. Laugh hysterically. Quietly, of course. Other people are sleeping.
10. Wish for sleep. Wish for no dreams. Above all, do not cry.
2. Blog. Be aware that all blog entries written after 3:00 a.m. will sound slightly insane.
3. Go jogging.
4. Take a drive. This is especially fun after 1:00 a.m. because all the stop lights become blinking yellows.
5. Contemplate doorbell ditching the entire neighborhood. Then recall that you're no longer a teenager and the neighbors are less likely to laugh than to call the police.
6. Lay in the grass and stargaze. Think about how the stars would look if arranged in symmetrical stripe patterns across the sky.
7. Wish there was someone to talk to. Talk to self, instead. DO NOT CHAT. Anyone awake at this hour will be going to bed soon, which you will find terribly depressing.
8. Tell self a fun story. Enjoy one's creativity and cleverness. Remember that the story will be much less entertaining to people who actually sleep.
9. Tell self funny jokes. Laugh hysterically. Quietly, of course. Other people are sleeping.
10. Wish for sleep. Wish for no dreams. Above all, do not cry.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Myths
Myth Number 1:
I'm just going to do a little bit of counseling, work through the emotional stress I'm feeling, and get back to the my regular routine. I think it will take about four months.
Myth Number 2:
My past is my past. I can make everything better by achieving great things in my future. I don't ever have to look back.
Myth Number 3:
If I'm the best parent I can be, the things that bothered me in my childhood will become equalized, and they won't bother me anymore.
Myth Number 4:
I can forget the things that hurt.
Myth Number 5:
I don't need any help. I can do this on my own. I've been strong my whole life, I will continue to be strong.
Myth Number 6:
I don't need people. They are basically unreliable, and really owe me nothing. There is no one who can care about the things that have happened to me--not even me. Everyone has his/her own life, and that's as it should be. I can get through this without anyone else.
Myth Number 7:
I'm not angry.
Myth Number 8:
I can figure this all out, find a solution, and make everything better.
Talk about delusional. I'm amazing.
I'm just going to do a little bit of counseling, work through the emotional stress I'm feeling, and get back to the my regular routine. I think it will take about four months.
Myth Number 2:
My past is my past. I can make everything better by achieving great things in my future. I don't ever have to look back.
Myth Number 3:
If I'm the best parent I can be, the things that bothered me in my childhood will become equalized, and they won't bother me anymore.
Myth Number 4:
I can forget the things that hurt.
Myth Number 5:
I don't need any help. I can do this on my own. I've been strong my whole life, I will continue to be strong.
Myth Number 6:
I don't need people. They are basically unreliable, and really owe me nothing. There is no one who can care about the things that have happened to me--not even me. Everyone has his/her own life, and that's as it should be. I can get through this without anyone else.
Myth Number 7:
I'm not angry.
Myth Number 8:
I can figure this all out, find a solution, and make everything better.
Talk about delusional. I'm amazing.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Marriage Commandments From My Mother
1. Never marry someone of a different race. You will end up divorced.
I actually tried to do this, just to annoy her. Darrin, my Spaniard, is as close as I could get. My maternal grandfather cornered me after I became engaged and asked me what Darrin's racial background was. I said, "He's Mexican, of course. I think that's so much better than the bastard hillbilly roots your family contributes to my bloodline." Then I walked away. My mother hurried over to her father and assured him that Darrin was not Mexican, but definitely white, and his ancestors came from Europe--and that my comments were made because I was a little stressed about the upcoming nuptuals (it's true, I was stressed about that, but I made the comment out of spite, not stress).
2. Be a stay-at-home mom (or stated differently: never work outside the home). Your husband will not love you if you don't cook and clean for him, and your children will grow up to be prostitutes and drug abusers.
I told my mother that I would probably work for the rest of my life--and that if Darrin married me so he could have a built in maid, we would definitely not stay married. We both eat--we both do dishes. We both wear clothes--we both do laundry. We both use the toilet--we both clean the bathroom. We both walk in the house--we both mop and vacuum. She assured me that wouldn't work. I promptly got a job after we were married, just to prove that it would. I also let her know that since I wasn't having children, the prostitute and drug-abuse populations would be sadly disappointed by my contributions. Now that I do have children, and work outside the home, I'll have to work on that one. Also, according to this statement, since I don't stay at home and clean for my husband, he's probably lying when he says he loves me.
3. Never get separate bank accounts. This is one of the greatest causes of divorce.
Until my mother said this, I had never before considered the evils of banking separately from my husband. However, Darrin has never been great at keeping track of money, and I've never been happy about baby-sitting adults, so we have separate bank accounts. Now, if we get a divorce, everyone will know the reason why. We have an agreement that because money seems to magically disappear when it's in my husband's possession, the paychecks come to me first--I pay all the bills and make necessary investments, and then deposit disappearable funds into Darrin's bank account. I don't ask what he does with them--and he never questions what I do with any extra money I may have, either. We do a household budget together, so that he's aware of our monthly expenditures, we save for our Christmas and travel funds, he knows we have investment accounts--although he has no interest in whether or not those are doing well. The only real problem we've encountered with our separate accounts happened this week: Our credit union issued new debit cards. Because we're signers on each other's accounts (in case of death), the CU sent us each a card for both accounts. Except for the numbers on the cards, they look identical. The CU did not designate which card was linked to which account. So now, collectively, we have four cards, but no idea to which account they belong, which, given Darrin's magical disappearing money talent, could be a disaster waiting to happen. So perhaps my mother's dark prognostications are about to find fruition.
4. You should never have to explain to your husband why you are upset at him. He should just know.
I understand that mental telepathy is something that most marriages are blessed with, but mine is not. Occasionally I fall into the trap of believing that if I know something, Darrin must, by osmosis, also know it. But this usually only happens when I get really busy. I learned from the time when Darrin and I first became friends, that if I want him to know something, I usually have to tell him. He's just not great at mind reading, especially when we're having relationship stress. However, looking comparatively at my marriage versus my parents' marriage, I would have to say that I'm much happier than either my mother or my father, and I believe that's because Darrin and I talk to each other about pretty much anything. I don't make him guess why I'm upset, or show that by slamming doors or the silent treatment. I don't drop hints, and then become frustrated because he just doesn't get it. I don't act like everything's fine when I'm sad. My mother points out that her marriage has lasted more than twice as long as mine, and I should respect that. She has a point--I am truly amazed that two people who communicate so little can actually have remained married as long as they have. Perhaps that is par for the course for heterosexual marriages (I find that possibility a bit depressing).
5. Always put your husband's needs first.
This is a lovely and romantic sentiment. I believe it's also a recipe for depression and loneliness, because if you're always putting someone's needs before your own, you're in no condition, emotionally, to cope with life's challenges. There needs to be an equitable balance of some sort. I've heard that marriage is a partnership. Most successful partnerships consist of give and take. There will be times when I need to cater to Darrin's needs, but there are also times when I need things from him. I understand the philosophy behind it--I just don't believe it's practical.
P.S. I really do love my mom. I just think she's wrong. The end.
I actually tried to do this, just to annoy her. Darrin, my Spaniard, is as close as I could get. My maternal grandfather cornered me after I became engaged and asked me what Darrin's racial background was. I said, "He's Mexican, of course. I think that's so much better than the bastard hillbilly roots your family contributes to my bloodline." Then I walked away. My mother hurried over to her father and assured him that Darrin was not Mexican, but definitely white, and his ancestors came from Europe--and that my comments were made because I was a little stressed about the upcoming nuptuals (it's true, I was stressed about that, but I made the comment out of spite, not stress).
2. Be a stay-at-home mom (or stated differently: never work outside the home). Your husband will not love you if you don't cook and clean for him, and your children will grow up to be prostitutes and drug abusers.
I told my mother that I would probably work for the rest of my life--and that if Darrin married me so he could have a built in maid, we would definitely not stay married. We both eat--we both do dishes. We both wear clothes--we both do laundry. We both use the toilet--we both clean the bathroom. We both walk in the house--we both mop and vacuum. She assured me that wouldn't work. I promptly got a job after we were married, just to prove that it would. I also let her know that since I wasn't having children, the prostitute and drug-abuse populations would be sadly disappointed by my contributions. Now that I do have children, and work outside the home, I'll have to work on that one. Also, according to this statement, since I don't stay at home and clean for my husband, he's probably lying when he says he loves me.
3. Never get separate bank accounts. This is one of the greatest causes of divorce.
Until my mother said this, I had never before considered the evils of banking separately from my husband. However, Darrin has never been great at keeping track of money, and I've never been happy about baby-sitting adults, so we have separate bank accounts. Now, if we get a divorce, everyone will know the reason why. We have an agreement that because money seems to magically disappear when it's in my husband's possession, the paychecks come to me first--I pay all the bills and make necessary investments, and then deposit disappearable funds into Darrin's bank account. I don't ask what he does with them--and he never questions what I do with any extra money I may have, either. We do a household budget together, so that he's aware of our monthly expenditures, we save for our Christmas and travel funds, he knows we have investment accounts--although he has no interest in whether or not those are doing well. The only real problem we've encountered with our separate accounts happened this week: Our credit union issued new debit cards. Because we're signers on each other's accounts (in case of death), the CU sent us each a card for both accounts. Except for the numbers on the cards, they look identical. The CU did not designate which card was linked to which account. So now, collectively, we have four cards, but no idea to which account they belong, which, given Darrin's magical disappearing money talent, could be a disaster waiting to happen. So perhaps my mother's dark prognostications are about to find fruition.
4. You should never have to explain to your husband why you are upset at him. He should just know.
I understand that mental telepathy is something that most marriages are blessed with, but mine is not. Occasionally I fall into the trap of believing that if I know something, Darrin must, by osmosis, also know it. But this usually only happens when I get really busy. I learned from the time when Darrin and I first became friends, that if I want him to know something, I usually have to tell him. He's just not great at mind reading, especially when we're having relationship stress. However, looking comparatively at my marriage versus my parents' marriage, I would have to say that I'm much happier than either my mother or my father, and I believe that's because Darrin and I talk to each other about pretty much anything. I don't make him guess why I'm upset, or show that by slamming doors or the silent treatment. I don't drop hints, and then become frustrated because he just doesn't get it. I don't act like everything's fine when I'm sad. My mother points out that her marriage has lasted more than twice as long as mine, and I should respect that. She has a point--I am truly amazed that two people who communicate so little can actually have remained married as long as they have. Perhaps that is par for the course for heterosexual marriages (I find that possibility a bit depressing).
5. Always put your husband's needs first.
This is a lovely and romantic sentiment. I believe it's also a recipe for depression and loneliness, because if you're always putting someone's needs before your own, you're in no condition, emotionally, to cope with life's challenges. There needs to be an equitable balance of some sort. I've heard that marriage is a partnership. Most successful partnerships consist of give and take. There will be times when I need to cater to Darrin's needs, but there are also times when I need things from him. I understand the philosophy behind it--I just don't believe it's practical.
P.S. I really do love my mom. I just think she's wrong. The end.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Time Out
Today I have a day off. I have decided not to do that again. It's just much better to always be doing something, because for some reason, today I'm sad.
However, it's the first day in nearly a week that I've felt that--which is vast improvement considering it's something I used to deal with daily.
So maybe it's okay to be sad sometimes. Perhaps it's good that I took a day off to think about this. It doesn't feel paralyzing or demoralizing. It's just me, remembering that occasionally life has down times and tomorrow will be better.
The purpose of this blog is not to continue to belabor the problems in my past. I suppose, though that if they happen to catch up with me once in awhile, I can leave them here. I hope that's all right.
However, it's the first day in nearly a week that I've felt that--which is vast improvement considering it's something I used to deal with daily.
So maybe it's okay to be sad sometimes. Perhaps it's good that I took a day off to think about this. It doesn't feel paralyzing or demoralizing. It's just me, remembering that occasionally life has down times and tomorrow will be better.
The purpose of this blog is not to continue to belabor the problems in my past. I suppose, though that if they happen to catch up with me once in awhile, I can leave them here. I hope that's all right.
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