I don't like admitting when my day is rotten. It makes me feel that somehow, I haven't worked hard enough to make it better. I don't like talking about it.
On top of all this, I recognize that other people have days that don't feel great, and I love it when something I say or do helps them feel happier. I don't mind other people talking to me when their days (lives) are difficult. It's okay for them to have hard times--but not for me. For whatever stupid reason, I'm not allowed to feel discouraged.
I'm at odds with my kids already today--and it's only 8:00. I'm angry at Darrin because he's gone all week and I get to be a single parent with too many jobs, not enough sleep, some emotional ineptitude, and probable insanity.
Actually, I'm really upset with Darrin today because he'll leave again in January and be gone the entire month. He's usually gone about a week of every month, which I hate--but it's his job. And then I get very angry with me because I'm afraid I need him too much, miss him too much--that I'm not independent enough. But seriously, what married-with-children couple can function well when one of the parents is missing at least 25% of the time?
And I'm worried. I haven't said much about this because, really, there's nothing to say. Darrin finally went to a doctor. He has so many things wrong with him--little things, probably. His blood pressure and cholesterol are too high, thyroid is so low as to be almost non-functioning, he has sleep apnea (sleep study a week from Friday--that will probably help)...that's just the beginning. The medication used to treat one symptom exacerbates the other symptoms. So there's no quick fix. Darrin has a father who had his first heart attack at age 40 and a mother who had quintuple bypass surgery at age 60. Double whammy.
The good news is that Darrin's been taking low doses of medications for his cholesterol and thyroid for about three weeks now. Before he left he told me he thinks something is working because he's "not falling asleep at the wheel as often." WHAT????? Did I mention that Darrin's job has him traveling every day, sometimes distances of 200 miles or more?
So, I'm worried. Well, maybe a little beyond worried. And unless something works soon, Darrin's health will continue to deteriorate. I used to make jokes about what I would do if I became a widow at a young age (young = not yet 60). They're not funny anymore.
I told DJ all I want for Christmas is a flip-top contact lens case, but I want more...I want to know Darrin's going to be okay...and I want to stop feeling frustrated with my kids, because it's not really their fault, it's mine...and I want to have a good day. Probably that's beyond my budget right now.