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Monday, February 7, 2011

If you eat a frog in the morning, it's the worst thing that will happen to you all day.

There are times when I feel guilty posting about my inner angst--which is completely silly given that this is a blog and I'm really bothering no one by putting those things here. It's just that in person, I'm a lot of fun. I laugh and trade banter and have great conversations. I've been known to act like a teenager when I'm turned loose in an amusement park. I dance and turn cartwheels and climb trees. I play board games and card games and sometimes I win. I smile most of the time--lots of people smile back at me. I'm not a sad person.

Today, though, I feel sad. I'm recognizing this happens as a matter of course after a day of high stress or panic attacks. I've also realized that I've somehow learned how to put those things off--in the same way I used to put off reactions to flashbacks--and when I have down time, or I'm in a safe place, my subconscious finally allows those things to happen. Yesterday was panic attack day.

It didn't begin until about 4:00 p.m., which is nice because I enjoyed my morning. So when the attacks began, I cleaned and made cookies and took a walk and paced and cleaned some more. The panic was still hovering at bedtime and at that point I was cranky, as well. I told Darrin I didn't want him to go to sleep because I would be the only person awake in the whole world. He stayed up with me for awhile. 

I didn't awake feeling sad this morning. I love mornings. I got up with my kids at 5:30 and worked for awhile. After they had gone to seminary I felt the sadness begin. It's grown into sadness and loneliness. I've been trying to work but I'm finding it difficult to concentrate--and so--here I am--writing about something I can't seem to manage.

Last night I asked Darrin to say all the ways he believes I've become "better" over the past five years. I fell asleep while he was talking, but I know he listed quite a few things. And he's right--I've worked through many difficult things and I'm handling life in different, more healthy ways. I just can't feel that I'm making progress, and I've been tired for a long time.

Sad makes me cry now. A long time ago I didn't know how to cry. There are advantages to that. I'm fairly certain the tears are a reaction to the panic attacks of yesterday. That doesn't make me like them.

And now it's time for me to go back to work. In an hour I will go running. Later I will meet with tax clients, work on their returns, do more work, and then teach piano lessons.

Two weeks ago Darrin suggested I needed to do something that will take me out of the house--something I enjoy. So I purchased a limited membership to a fitness club. Tabitha and I will go there for a couple of hours tonight while Adam is at class. She hugged me this morning and told me she was really excited to go work out with me. I think that's odd (teenage girls are not supposed to love spending time with their mothers), but sort of wonderful. I'm looking forward to it, too. house is full of cookies. I think, however, I need to make some more before I go back to work this morning. If you want chocolate-chocolate-chip cookies, you know where to find them. :-)

Update:  Cookies made...and now I need a new cookie dough scooper...oops...


  1. I am sorry you are feeling sad but I am glad the panic attack is over. I hope you have a wonderful evening with you daughter tonight. lots and lots of hugs -A.J.

  2. Thanks, A.J. We had a great time at the gym--and stepped outside into a freak blizzard. Almost didn't make it home. It was a fun evening. :)