If you eat a frog in the morning, it's the worst thing that will happen to you all day.

There are times when I feel guilty posting about my inner angst--which is completely silly given that this is a blog and I'm really bothering no one by putting those things here. It's just that in person, I'm a lot of fun. I laugh and trade banter and have great conversations. I've been known to act like a teenager when I'm turned loose in an amusement park. I dance and turn cartwheels and climb trees. I play board games and card games and sometimes I win. I smile most of the time--lots of people smile back at me. I'm not a sad person.

Today, though, I feel sad. I'm recognizing this happens as a matter of course after a day of high stress or panic attacks. I've also realized that I've somehow learned how to put those things off--in the same way I used to put off reactions to flashbacks--and when I have down time, or I'm in a safe place, my subconscious finally allows those things to happen. Yesterday was panic attack day.

It didn't begin until about 4:00 p.m., which is nice because I enjoyed my morning. So when the attacks began, I cleaned and made cookies and took a walk and paced and cleaned some more. The panic was still hovering at bedtime and at that point I was cranky, as well. I told Darrin I didn't want him to go to sleep because I would be the only person awake in the whole world. He stayed up with me for awhile. 

I didn't awake feeling sad this morning. I love mornings. I got up with my kids at 5:30 and worked for awhile. After they had gone to seminary I felt the sadness begin. It's grown into sadness and loneliness. I've been trying to work but I'm finding it difficult to concentrate--and so--here I am--writing about something I can't seem to manage.

Last night I asked Darrin to say all the ways he believes I've become "better" over the past five years. I fell asleep while he was talking, but I know he listed quite a few things. And he's right--I've worked through many difficult things and I'm handling life in different, more healthy ways. I just can't feel that I'm making progress, and I've been tired for a long time.

Sad makes me cry now. A long time ago I didn't know how to cry. There are advantages to that. I'm fairly certain the tears are a reaction to the panic attacks of yesterday. That doesn't make me like them.

And now it's time for me to go back to work. In an hour I will go running. Later I will meet with tax clients, work on their returns, do more work, and then teach piano lessons.

Two weeks ago Darrin suggested I needed to do something that will take me out of the house--something I enjoy. So I purchased a limited membership to a fitness club. Tabitha and I will go there for a couple of hours tonight while Adam is at class. She hugged me this morning and told me she was really excited to go work out with me. I think that's odd (teenage girls are not supposed to love spending time with their mothers), but sort of wonderful. I'm looking forward to it, too.

Hmmm...my house is full of cookies. I think, however, I need to make some more before I go back to work this morning. If you want chocolate-chocolate-chip cookies, you know where to find them. :-)

Update:  Cookies made...and now I need a new cookie dough scooper...oops...