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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

It's cold today.

I'm thinking of taking a break--from blogging, but also from everything else. More than one reason exists for this pondering, but the largest one is that for the first time in my life I'm battling debilitating depression. There. I said it.

Apparently it's not normal to cry all the time, nor is it normal to wake up sad and spend entire days waiting for a moment when you won't be sad--except that moment doesn't happen so you go to bed sad hoping to wake up less sad--only you don't, so you spend another day waiting for the sad to go away...and another day...and another...

There are times during the day when I can't decide whether to cry again or just throw up, which adds variety. That's something.

Ambrosia, Tolkien Boy, and AtP chatted with me briefly yesterday, which was helpful. The distraction of having someone talk with seems to buoy me up when I'm feeling like I'm drowning. Honestly, I'm not really trying to be so melodramatic--that's just how it feels.

I've been trying to channel my energy into positive things. I spent a couple of hours at the gym with Tabitha last night. We lifted weights for about an hour, then ran for an hour. I was hopeful this would be a healthy fix which would leave me feeling better emotionally. It didn't, but Tabitha had a wonderful time. She was still feeling happy about our time together when she got up this morning. I love that girl.

Last night my Therapist-prescribed bedtime hit and I just couldn't go. Darrin was working late and I didn't want to be alone. I checked my chat list. Thankfully, Jason was there. Sometimes I hail him at inopportune times. I'm really glad last night wasn't one of those times. Lonely and Sad is a more unpalatable combination than just plain sad. We had this conversation:

Jason: So, I saw you've been having panic attacks.
  That's no fun at all.
 me: They're stupid. They make me very cranky.
 Jason: With good reason!
 me: I told a friend I was experiencing panic attacks. She said, "I never would have guessed--you're so normal!" I don't even know what that means.
 Jason: It means you're fun and delightful and say clever things and smile a lot ;-)

Except, I'm not fun anymore, I rarely say clever things--I rarely say anything--anymore, and I don't smile anymore.

I could come up with hundreds of logical, valid reasons why I'm feeling depressed right now. It is unhelpful to know whether or not depression is reasonable. Reasonable does not make depression go away.

So I'm thinking it might be time for me to just spend some time away from everything; concentrate on work, maybe, and do some reading in my down time; just have some alone time to see if I can get on top of things again.

I don't know. There doesn't seem to be a correct answer. Maybe there isn't an answer. After all, I don't remember asking a question in the first place.

Anyway, I'll be back when I feel better. Talk to you later.

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