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Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Okay--I admit that my current emotional disaster is my own fault and if I'd stop working like a crazy person I would be able to regroup and live.

Yesterday's adventures:

6:00--Ran 5 miles, took a shower, made myself as beautiful as possible and drank 24 ounces of water spiked with protein mix, multivitamins, 4000 mgs of vitamin D-3, time-release iron, and joint supplement fortified with vitamin D-3.

7:30--Worked online for 2 hours.

9:30--Prepared taxes (March 15th = filing deadline for corporations).

11:00--Took a tax-prep break and taught piano lessons.

1:00--Finished tax returns I worked on during the morning, faxed a bunch of documents, went to the post office to mail stuff to the IRS and various other places.

3:00--Worked online for two hours.

5:00--Went to the store to buy yellow tomatoes and broccoli.

5:20--Went to a different store to buy jeans, a bra, and feminine supplies for Tabitha. The cashier rang up the jeans, then turned to a nearby trainee and told him he had to ring up the other items. The trainee cringed a bit and was told to "suck it up! You have to do this if you work here!" I do not like Original Cashier. This has nothing to do with the fact that one of his nostrils desperately needed a tissue to remove debris from it.

6:00--Made dinner.

6:20--Ate dinner, then worked online for 2 hours.

8:30--Practiced piano for 2 hours.

10:30--Worked online for 2 hours.

12:30 a.m.--Finished online work and went to bed.

I refuse to tally the work hours. I also think eating only dinner is not a good plan. Today I'm scheduling a yogurt-for-breakfast break.

Also, Adam loaded the dishwasher, and I'm very grateful but I think a total of 15 dishes made it inside before he deemed it "loaded", then he pushed every button (soak cycle, pre-wash, high-temp wash, sanitary rinse, hi-temp dry) and turned it on. Three hours later, the dishwasher was still trying to get through all those options. I eliminate all except the sanitary rinse and the relieved machine finished the cycle in 45 minutes.

Also, Adam's plans to move furniture were realized while I was at the office. I came home to find my treadmill in my workspace where Adam's desk used to be, and he had brought a large wooden desk downstairs from my former office and rearranged my basement to make a workspace for himself. I'm not saying anything as long as his chair does not block the walkway. I'm hoping his furniture wanderlust allows me to stay in my current bedroom. This could get ugly.

Also, and in conclusion, I will address an email received yesterday:
1. Please remember that this blog is used as an emotional dumping ground and might not present a complete picture of what is happening in my life, nor does it always adequately express my mental and emotional state of being.

2. My marriage with Darrin is wonderful and there is nothing wrong. I rarely discuss that part of my life here--well, anywhere. It's no one's business. I want my marriage and all it entails to be a private matter between Darrin and me. Should I need to discuss it I will do so with him. We've been married a very long time. We're pretty good at being married. Currently Darrin is teaching night classes which means he sleeps late in the mornings and usually comes home just in time for us to go to bed. I'm missing him, not divorcing him.

3. I'm feeling alone. This is something I believe everyone feels at times. My capacity to feel alone-ness is possibly greater than normal. I can feel alone when surrounded by people I love or when intimately engaged with one of them. It has nothing to do with my feelings for, or relationships with other people. It has to do with the fact that I spent my childhood being abused, isolated, and demeaned. It has to do with the fact that when I was raped, I felt I had nowhere to turn and I was left to clean up mysterious fluids, blood, and myself with help from no one. It has to do with the fact that I've not yet learned how to accept and remember that I'm loved--but I am still trying to learn that skill. It has to do with the fact that sometimes PTSD sends one message through my brain while reality sends another and I'm momentarily confused while I try to sort out which one is real.

4. Your words are judgmental and not helpful. I'm not answering you privately through return email because I'd rather talk about blog stuff here, on my blog. And I sort of feel that contacting me privately instead of leaving a comment (unless, of course, you want to talk about personal stuff you'd rather not have broadcast in my comment box--or if you want to say nice things--which would constitute a completely welcome and appropriate email) for everyone to see, is passive aggressive which is why I'm answering it here. Notice--I'm respectfully not reprinting your initial email--just putting the answer where it belongs.

5. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I'm overly melodramatic and maudlin. Sometimes I say things I will recant later. Nothing is black and white here. I'm an evolving creature and I reserve the right to be sad, rant and rage, cry over nothing, and change my mind frequently. Nothing you say will persuade me to do otherwise.

6. This is my blog. This is my blog. This is my blog. This is my blog.

On a more pleasant note: I made cookies last night. I'm thinking of making Nutella cheesecake and taking it with me on my trip tomorrow. Also, you can do the actions to "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" to the Macarena. You should try it.


  1. Nutella cheesecake sounds wonderful. Hope today is wonderful for you. -Hugs A.J.

  2. Nutella cheesecake sounds amazing. I would ask you for a recipe if you ever used them.

    I'm so excited to see you!

  3. I'm sorry someone would use your email in such a negative way. When I used it I was very careful to just let you know how much I appreciate you and how much I've learned. This is a difficult journey and hard for some to understand the "roller coaster" ride it takes. Prayers and Hugs to you!

  4. Ha!! I love that you two said almost the same thing in your first sentence! A.J.--thanks! I appreciate the good wishes. WOTS--Come to my house and make it with me. And I'm excited, too! Oh. Wait. I already saw you. Still--excitement!

    Sandy--It happens; although less frequently now than a few years ago. And your email was entirely appropriate and welcome. Thanks!