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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Thank you, and good night.

I spent some time last night reading my blog, including many of the posts I've put into draft status after publishing. The truth is, until the last couple of years my blog was kind of fun. I posted snippets of life, talked about fun or funny things that have happened to me, included posts about my short, it was a fairly well-rounded look at my life and I was able to talk with many people, both regulars and those passing through, about serious and light-hearted events.

For quite awhile now, however, this blog has simply become a place to record my feelings when I'm overwhelmed or sad--a PTSD journal, I suppose. I don't like that and I'm guessing few people want to read it, either. Public blogs are meant to be read.

About eight months ago I put my blog feeds on partial so that anyone interested in seeing what I was saying would have to visit me and thereby be recorded in my stats. There are still quite a few visitors, but only a few say anything in comments or when we chat, which leads me to believe that this blog has lost most of its value both for me, and for anyone visiting. And I'm also beginning to feel that I don't wish to air my weaknesses and stupidity for silent strangers. I am no longer the anonymous exhibitionist.

I am very glad to have found this outlet when I first began therapy. And as I have stated before, I will forever be indebted to Ward Cleaver--another blogger who taught me the ropes and helped me understand how fellow bloggers can offer empathy, advice, and friendship even when they have never met. He disappeared after five short months of daily contact--and after nearly five years, I still miss him.

To those of you who have taken time to respond to my words in the past--I thank you. To those who have continued to respond and encourage me even now--I love you. You've helped more than you know. I've had days when one comment helped me manage a great deal of stress, simply because it felt like someone cared.

I suppose I'll continue to grow used to my life with it's embroidery of PTSD and other stress disorders left over from rape and abuse. I'll keep seeking ways to manage those. I'll keep trying to be the best parent, spouse, friend, and human being that I can be. And one day, if I learn how to be at peace with all that, I may visit here just to shout it out into the blogosphere. No one will be left to hear me, but I'll do it anyway.

If you visited me even once, I thank you. Picture me wiggling my nose and zapping to each of you long warm  days filled with flowers, blue skies, tall glasses of lemonade, and the company of the people you love--because that's what I'm wishing for you right now.

And if you find me online--I'd love to play a game of Scrabble with you.


  1. don't you dare call yourself weak or stupid!You are one of the strongest people and though I've never met you I don't doubt you are one of the smartest folks around. I care about you . I am sorry the PTSD symptoms have come back. You are amazing! If you are taking a break from blogging I will miss you. Like the Pink song "You're so mean
    When you talk
    About yourself
    You are wrong
    Change the voices
    In your head
    Make them like you
    Instead" remember you are not weak you are a wonderful person strong and smart.-A.J.

  2. I read much, much more often than I comment because I want to know what's going on in your life, but I frequently don't have anything useful to say. I'm sorry you won't be blogging, but this will push me to do what I should have been doing anyway and contact you more often.

  3. Please say it isn't so. I love your blog.

  4. I have been reading your blog over a year but only got up the nerve to comment one other time. That was more about my own fear then anything else. Your posts have been really helpful to me. If you are really turning the lights out on the blog--I wish you well--but know that your blog made a positive difference in my life.

  5. I hope you will come back some day. I've learned so much from you. I haven't commented more because I didn't want to intrude or put pressure on you. Thank you so much for your wisdom and reaching out. I will continue to pray for you and think good thoughts for you. We took our granddaughter to se Kung Fu Panda 2 and one line that really brought things into perspective for my husband was "You may have had a hard life in the beginning, but you get to choose how it will end." Life is hard, it is difficult, but I know we are not alone. Thank-you. Roxann

  6. I said "good night" to blog land a while ago, but looked you up tonight like an old friend. I hope this finds you well. Really.